Strangers in a Strange Land
by Gigabomb
Summary: Naruto x Harry Potter crossover. This is what happens when Orochimaru takes the concept of learning every jutsu in the world far too literally and the Sound Five pay the price. So does Hogwarts.
1. The Sorting

Author's Note: Because crack is fun. Keep in mind, I've only read through the Harry Potter books once, so if you expect this to conform to Fifth Book canon very well, you've got another thing coming. Also, I already posted this on _Overtones of Discordant Melody_, but since it seems this is now going to be a multi-chapter fic, I've decided to post it separately.

Sakon had always known Orochimaru-sama had a bit of an obsession when it came to researching all types of obscure magic, but he'd never expected to get so involved in it. Well, not just him, really. Somehow all of the Sound Five had been roped into their master's weird plan. Sakon had yet to see the value of learning western jutsu techniques since Japan was already known as the premier country when it came to battle magic, but when Orochimaru-sama said every type of jutsu, he _meant_ every type of jutsu. Even the stupid ones. Some of the techniques in the books they'd been issued after Orochimaru-sama shipped them off to a European magic academy were absolutely useless. Who the hell in their right mind would invent a jutsu that made someone turn blue?

What absolutely took the cake, however, was the way westerners cast their spells. They used sticks. Why anyone would want to rely on something so flimsy as the source of all their power was completely beyond Sakon, but the Five had been forced to get those too. Of course, Kidoumaru (the idiot) thought the whole experience was absolutely hilarious, but no one else had been amused.

And now, here they were, at 'Swine Skin Disfigurement' Academy (God, who named these places?), after a three hour train ride consisting of Kidoumaru practicing his English and Jiroubou trying to figure out why westerners liked to eat grass and snot, not to mention Kimimaro's sulking and Tayuya's general surliness. And now they were to be 'sorted.' No one had ever properly explained what that meant.

Sakon couldn't help but fidget a bit when the leader of the school, Dumbledore-sama, stood up and the entire room fell silent. Next to him, Ukon scowled. Orochimaru-sama had forbidden them to combine while they were in Europe. He had even made Kidoumaru hide his arms with a henge, because he didn't want any of them to attract 'undue attention.'

Finally, Dumbledore-sama spoke. "Today I have the pleasure of introducing to you our new exchange students. This is an excellent chance to improve magical relations between the western and eastern countries, and I hope you will make them feel at home, for they are a long way from theirs."

Every single pair of eyes shifted to the Five. Ukon scowled even deeper, and Tayuya soon joined him. Kimimaro's face went stony. Jiroubou didn't take his eyes off the ground. Even Kidoumaru sobered up as his discomfort with being the center of attention came to the forefront.

Dumbledore-sama, fortunately, soon drew everyone's attention back towards himself, and Sakon let out a sigh. "Now then, will Jiroubou please approach the stool?"

----

"Great. First Umbridge, now this."

"Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is a momentous occasion. Japan's magical community cut itself from the rest of the world centuries ago. To have Japanese wizards come to England is practically unprecedented."

"Yeah? So?"

It was then that Hermione went into what was widely known as her 'lecture mode.' "Japanese wizards are famous for how they use their magic almost exclusively for healing and battle. They don't have everyday spells, but this narrow focus has allowed them to become far more advanced than the rest of the world when it comes to the art of war. In case you didn't notice, Ron, right now we're in the middle of a war. Think of what they could teach us!"

The red-haired boy rolled his eyes. "In case _you_ didn't notice, Hermione, these great battle wizards are a bunch of kids. You heard Dumbledore. The oldest is Ginny's age. It may be a historical occasion and all that, but I doubt it's going to help us much against You-Know-Who."

"Only you could be so blasé about this, Ron."

"Harry doesn't care either, do you Harry?"

Harry Potter, who had only been half paying attention to his friends' squabbling, gave a small shrug. "I don't know you guys… I have a weird feeling about this."

It was then that the rather overweight boy, Jiroubou, put the Sorting Hat on his head and was soon announced to be a Hufflepuff. Ron snickered. "Okay, who didn't see that one coming?"

"Ron!"

"What? It's true. The fat kids always end up in Hufflepuff. It's practically a school tradition." Kaguya, Kimimaro was next. "This one's a Slytherin for sure. See how stuck up he is?"

"Ron, your blatant stereotyping is ridiculous-"

"A knut says he's a snake."

When ten seconds later, Hufflepuff was again announced to the room, Ron's mouth dropped open and Hermione gave a rather smug smile. "So much for your predictions, Ron."

Ron wasn't listening. "What the bloody hell? He's a pretty boy. Since when do pretty boys land in Hufflepuff?"

"You shouldn't judge by appearances, Ron."

As the dark boy, Kidoumaru, walked up to the stool, it wasn't his House Ron was concerned about. "You sure this kid is Japanese? He looks black to me."

"His eyes are slanted. Might be half and half. So, what do you think about this one, Ron? Gryffindor because we're all so unbiased and accepting of differences?"

"Oh, haha, very funny. But this one's a Ravenclaw. He has way too many books in his bag for the beginning of the year to be anything else."

It took them several minutes to find out, as the Sorting Hat seemed to be taking its sweet time in making a decision. When Gryffindor was announced, the Hat sounded slightly unsure, but as always, the decision was final.

"You're doing worse now then you usually do on Potions tests, Ron. Thirty-three percent. You're not even passing."

"Hey, the Hat was hesitating. The other choice was Ravenclaw. You know it was!"

The dark-skinned boy slid off the stool slowly and picked up his bag, looking dejected as he walked over to their table.

"Bet he wanted Ravenclaw."

"Will you get off it, Ron? He's a foreigner. What could he know about the Houses?"

"You knew plenty when you came."

"That's different…" It was then that the boy came within hearing range, and Hermione automatically brightened her smile. "Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Hermione Granger, this is Ron Weasley, Dean Thomas is on your left…" Dean waved, "and this is…" It was then that Hermione hesitated. She knew how much Harry hated it when people stared, but she gamely pushed on, "And this is Harry Potter. Always good to have another Gryffindor." For a moment, everyone waited for the transfer student's reaction to the name of the Boy-Who-Lived. When nothing absolutely happened besides the Japanese boy giving a weak nod to the table at large before sitting on the far corner of the bench and turning around to move his gaze to the Sorting Hat as the boy Sakon put it on his head, the Gryffindors looked at each other in bewilderment.

"Erm…" It wasn't that Ron particularly liked his best friend being famous. He even occasionally resented it. But still… to get absolutely no reaction at all to Harry's name was unheard of, and Ron had to admit to himself that it threw him off. "You know about Harry Potter, right?"

Kidoumaru didn't take his eyes off the Hat. "He's the dark haired boy with the glasses sitting next to you."

"Well, yes… but you know who he is, right? The Boy-Who-Lived? The guy who defeated You-Know-Who?"

It was then that Kidoumaru did turn. He looked confused. "Who?"

"You know."

"No, I don't."

"You-Know-Who! The dark wizard! The man who's trying to kill us all!"

"That's his name?"

"No, that's what we call him."

"Oh." Kidoumaru looked as if he was finally understanding something. "A moniker. Alright then. Tell me what his real name is and maybe I'll recognize it."

"I can't."

The confused look came back. "Why not?"

"Because he is He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! That's why!"

"Why can't you say his name?"

By this point, several of the older students from Ravenclaw were listening in as Ron started pulling at his hair in frustration. "You just can't!"

"How the hell am I supposed to know who you're talking about if you won't tell me who he is?"

"I just told you!"

Now the Japanese boy was getting frustrated. In the background, Sakon was announced as a Slytherin, but by this point no one was paying attention. "You haven't told me his name yet."

"That's because it can't be spoken. I've said that already."

"Why, do you get struck by lightning or something when you say it?"

"No, it's just that-"

It was then that Harry grew impatient with the whole conversation. "His name," the Boy-Who-Lived said with great gravity, "Is Voldemort." The table grew hushed.

Kidoumaru blinked. "Oh." There was a moment of silence. Distantly, Tayuya's name was called to the stool. "I'm sorry. I've never heard of him."

It was now Harry's turn to blink. "You haven't."

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"It isn't a very good name. Kind of sounds like a sneeze."

"You're kidding."

It soon became evident that Kidoumaru was quite serious. "Maybe that's why no one ever names him. He grew sick of everyone laughing when he announced himself and started insisting that people shut up about it." Half the Gryffindor table looked as if they'd been hit by something. The other half looked dazed. On the far end of the Hufflepuff table, a second year was choking on a muffin. Kidoumaru turned back around just in time to witness the Sorting Hat announce Tayuya as a Ravenclaw. "I do have a question, though. How does that Hat thing sort people?"

It took Harry a moment to process the question, as he was still trying to digest the idea of Lord Voldemort and sneeze even being remotely associated. "Er… it puts students in different Houses based on different characteristics. Gryffindor's bravery."

"What's Ravenclaw?"

"Intelligence."

"Oh, good. It might not be all that inaccurate, then. When I saw Jiroubou and Kimimaro go into the same House, I thought the thing might be defective. So what's Hufflepuff?"

"Loyalty."

"Well, that might work then."

Finally, McGonagall noticed all the noise and turned a stern eye towards the Gryffindor table. "Will you please quiet down? We still have another student to Sort." The Gryffindors quieted. McGonagall nodded, satisfied. "Now then. Will Ukon please approach the stool?"

----

_You are that other boy's older brother, correct?_

((That's right.))

_Hmmm… let's see… what House shall I put you in?_

From under the Sorting Hat's brim, Ukon watched his little brother sit on the edge of the table under the tapestry of the silver and green snake. ((Slytherin.))

_You aren't very ambitious._

An older boy with blond hair kept glancing over in Sakon's direction and whispering to his companions, two larger boys who looked short on brains but inclined towards hurting people. ((I want Slytherin.))

_No… I am sorry, young man, but you're not nearly as driven as your younger brother. _

One of the two large boys stood up and walked over to where Sakon was sitting, placing an oversized hand on the smaller boy's left shoulder. Ukon's eyes narrowed as his little brother's teeth gritted in an effort to ignore the foreigner. ((I'm not going anywhere but Slytherin.))

_Your determination to protect your brother is admirable, but it really puts you more in the realm of, say, Hufflepuff, or perhaps Gryffindor-_

((If you put me in a different House than my brother, I will tear you into shreds. And then I will murder every single person who is sitting within ten feet of Sakon.))

The Hat paused. _I do believe I am magically enchanted to be resistant to cutting. _

As his minion's efforts failed, the blond ringleader leaned over with a nasty smile and said something Ukon couldn't hear, but Sakon's fingers dug into the table. ((I have three kunai in my book bag which have all been sharpened with chakra.))

_Would you really kill them all? You seem a bit young to be so bloodthirsty._

((I thought you were supposed to be a mind-reader.))

_I am, but I do like to give people their privacy._

((You have my permission.))

_Alright then, if it makes you happy. _For a moment, there was a sickly silence. When the Hat finally again spoke, it sounded a bit ill. _Well… I suppose you fit the ruthless quotient well enough for **SLYTHERIN**_.

Ukon calmly put the Hat back on the stool and walked over to his new House. It was with equal composure that he approached the blond boy and said with perfect equanimity, "What do you think you are doing?"

The Slytherins, sensing a fight, huddled around them to block the view of the other Houses. The blond sneered. "Trying to figure out how two foreigners with not a drop of wizarding blood in their veins managed to make it into our House. What did you do? Sell yourself for the honor?"

"Ukon…" Sakon's voice was warning.

Ukon didn't take his eyes off the blond. "This will only take a moment, little brother. Now then, I am going to explain something to you, _gaijin_. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less who you think you are, because back where we come from, we have a very specific phrase we use to describe people like you."

The blond's sneer deepened. "And what would that be?"

Ukon calmly snapped his fingers, and with a puff of smoke, a kunai dropped into his hand, upon which Ukon immediately slammed it into the tabletop, digging it into the wood up to the hilt. The entire table grew silent. Whispers of _wandless magic_ began to float to Ukon's ears. He again turned his gaze to the blond, whose eyes had gone wide. "Easily disposable. Because on the battlefield, you wouldn't have your cronies around to protect you. I hear you foreigners have a civil war going on. Cross me, and you'll see me on the other side. We'll see what your wizarding blood does for you then, won't we?"

It was then that Ukon sat down and began spooning carrots onto his plate. Next to him, Sakon had his face buried in his hands. /_You couldn't have waited five minutes, could you?_/

Ukon smiled. /_You know how much I like to make a good first impression, little brother._/


	2. The Common Room

Author's Note: What can I say? I love writing crack.

If he was being completely honest with himself and not in the process of trying to mess with his teammates' heads, Kidoumaru didn't much like Scotland. Though the Sound Five had practiced their English religiously in order to become fluent, westerners spoke too quickly and tended to use expressions Kidoumaru didn't understand, and for a person used to understanding practically everything, it was uncomfortable to feel the fool, such as when the red-haired boy started talking about the man with a name everyone was afraid to say. The stares the other people gave him as he walked down the halls of the school with the other members of the house of Gryffindor made Kidoumaru feel as if he was back in Japan with his arms uncovered by henge and the whispers of regular people following him wherever he went. Kidoumaru was still hard put not to flinch whenever anyone got too close to him. The henge made for a realistic illusion of normalcy, but it was just an illusion and could easily be uncovered.

After they had walked up several flights of stares and the girl, Hermione, had explained the ritual of passwords to get into what she called the 'common room.' Not that Kidoumaru particularly cared. As soon as the painting of the overweight woman slung open, he had rushed into the room decorated in a garish display of yellow and red and retreated into one of the corners, forcing himself to relax and breathe slowly in an attempt to get his heartbeat to slow down. If the room was always going to be as crowded as it was right now, it looked as if he was going to have to get over his extreme claustrophobia or risk becoming truly neurotic. Hermione, who to Kidoumaru had from the beginning seemed like the type who didn't much care for people but made an effort anyway, soon noticed his absence from the group and walked over to talk to him.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you-"

"I don't like being around a lot of people."

Hermione nodded, not really believing him but not wanting to push the issue, and returned to her position in front of some of the younger students and finished giving instructions as to how things worked at Hogwarts. Kidoumaru's pulse rate soon returned to normal and he began paying attention to the rest of the room, noticing how familiarly most of the students greeted each other. In another corner of the room, the red-haired boy and the boy with the glasses were setting up a board game Kidoumaru wasn't familiar with.

This was unusual. If there was one thing Kidoumaru knew, it was board games, so despite himself he leaned in and tried to figure out what they were doing. A board with sixty-four squares. Two sets of pieces with sixteen figurines each, black and white, six types of figurines in sets of eight, two, two, two, one and one. Presumably the set of eight were the weakest figurines and the two sets of one were the strongest or most important. Emblematic of great generals or strategists, perhaps-

A sudden flash of light to Kidoumaru's right made the Sound-nin jump and immediately twist into a defensive position. After his eyes had recovered, he was able to make out a boy with… a camera. Not pointed at him, but at the boys playing the board game, both of whom were also blinking to try and get rid of the spots dancing in front of their eyes.

It was the red-haired boy who brought the boy with a camera to task. "Bloody hell, Dennis, will you stop flashing that thing at us? No wonder Harry's eyesight is getting worse!"

"You don't need to shout it to the entire room, Ron!"

"Sorry, Harry."

Dennis (though Kidoumaru still thought 'boy with a camera' suited him better) also gave an apology, though it was rather more enthusiastic than the one tall, scarlet and irritated had given. It was immediately followed by him flopping into the chair next to Kidoumaru's, momentarily making the Sound-nin's personal bubble send off warning signals which he resolutely ignored. Watching Dennis watch glasses boy while he cradled the camera close to him was a far more interesting pastime than his own neurosis, anyway.

It took a few minutes for Dennis to notice Kidoumaru was staring at him, which just proved Kidoumaru's theory that these foreigners had all the situational awareness of gophers. Less, if he actually thought about it. Instead of the suspicious glare Kidoumaru expected as a response, all he got was a grin that blinded him almost as badly as the camera flash had and a hand stuck in front of his face

"Hi! My name is Dennis Creevey. You're one of the foreign exchange students, right?"

It was Kidoumaru's private opinion that there were certain levels of cheeriness that could be realistically attained and anything beyond that just proved you were an idiot or insane. While he had surpassed that mark several times himself, it was usually either when he was killing someone or faking it to scare his teammates and it never managed to last more than a few seconds. Kidoumaru waited for Dennis's smile to dim. It didn't, and the hand didn't lower. Carefully making sure he didn't stick out one of his henge'd hands by accident, Kidoumaru reached over and shook Dennis's hand.

"Yes. I am Kidoumaru. It is…" What was the term these foreigners used? Ah yes. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

Though it wasn't physically possible for a grin to glow in the dark, Dennis's came pretty damn close. "Likewise."

It was then their conversation petered off. Kidoumaru, not really sure what constituted small talk among westerners, turned his attention back to the board game. Dennis didn't seem to mind, was in fact watching the game more closely than Kidoumaru, though for some reason his focus was on the boy with glasses rather than the board.

The boy with glasses ordered one of the smallest figurines to move forward one square (Kidoumaru couldn't help but wonder what jutsu was imbedded in the board to make it do that. That was one bit of western magic he wouldn't mind learning), and to Kidoumaru's right, Dennis sighed. "He's wonderful, isn't he."

Kidoumaru… blinked. "What, you mean the ceramics kid?"

Dennis turned to stare at him, his attention momentarily diverted. "Ceramics? Do you mean Harry Potter?"

Kidoumaru shrugged. He had always been terrible with names and was unrepentant about it. "Yes, him. What's so wonderful about him?"

Dennis made an expansive gesture that would probably mean something to another westerner, but to Kidoumaru, it just looked like the guy was waving his arms around. "What's wonderful? Everything! He's Harry Potter, after all! Didn't you see how masterfully he moved that pawn? Genius!"

Kidoumaru really didn't understand this boy. "You mean the littlest figurine in their board game? He just moved it forward a square. Besides," and Kidoumaru gestured towards the board in a way he hoped crossed language barriers as the red-haired boy ordered the horse figurine to the left to take out one of Potter's tower figurines, making Potter scowl, "he's losing."

Now it was Dennis who scowled. "No, he's not!"

Kidoumaru raised one eyebrow. He found it hard to believe he had misread the purpose of this game so badly. "He's not? I apologize, I haven't seen this type of board game before. Could you explain it to me?"

As he seemed to be about everything, Dennis was happy to explain. The boy had obviously played the game himself as some of the rules he described sounded positively esoteric, but some of the guiding laws of the game mimicked true war close enough that Kidoumaru actually found himself interested. Having each type of figurine have restricted movement made a lot of sense and corresponded to ranks and talents in battle. The pawns were the genin of the game, very limited in attack power but with the potential for greater use if they were lucky enough to make it past the front wave of enemy troops. The knights were the mavericks, erratic in their movements but able to get around enemy fortifications. The bishops and rooks were the straight forward fighters, both long range and short range but capable of being blindsided. Chuunin, basically. The queen… Kidoumaru's mind said 'jounin' but his heart said 'Orochimaru-sama.' The most powerful piece on the board, and the most feared. As for the king, basically useless but still invaluable? That was the village. The home base. That with without, the war was lost.

It was an extremely involving game, the type Kidoumaru most loved. Yes, Kidoumaru decided as he watched one of the red-head's bishops take out yet another of Potter's pawns, he could definitely get into this 'chess.'

The game didn't last long. The red-head was so obviously the superior strategist, it made the whole exercise was kind of pathetic. Before half an hour was up, Potter's king gave a piercing scream, put one hand to where the red-head's queen had stabbed him and fell over with a clunk. Potter himself sighed, disappointed but seemingly used to defeat, as he shook the red-haired boy's hand in a friendly enough manner, before getting up to leave. Kidoumaru's watched him with an unconscious glare. To see someone accept a loss so easily… it made everything in him rebel.

----

"You aren't very good, do you know that?"

Harry glanced over, blinking at the sight of the Japanese foreign exchange student glaring at him in unexpected hostility, completely ignoring Dennis's efforts to quiet him. Harry stared at the dark-skinned boy. Though he lost often enough to Ron, it still left him feeling inadequate and he didn't appreciate the criticism. "What was that?"

"If you had killed his rook thirteen moves ago, it would have taken him twice as long to defeat you."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "You think you can do better? Ron's the best chess player in the school, barring the teachers."

Behind him, Ron grinned. "Kibitzers shouldn't insult the way chess players play, kid."

The dark-skinned boy raised one eyebrow at the term _kibitzers_, obviously not understanding the term, but he understood _kid_ well enough, and he didn't like it. "I'll play you."

Ron gave the grandfather clock in the corner a glance. Finding the time apparently to his satisfaction, he shrugged. "It's an hour before lights out. I have the time." He wasn't actually angry at the new boy, Kidoumaru. He was confident enough in his own chess playing skills that a challenge from a younger student no longer felt threatening to his faith in the one thing he was actually good at. Hell, if the kid turned out to have any potential at all, Ron might even give him a few tips. There were too few chess players as it was and Ron had no desire to discourage new ones.

The exchange student sat across from him, Harry occupying the kid's old seat. Watching the boy choose the black set (Ron had decided to let the kid at least have the advantage of picking his side), Ron raised one eyebrow. Defense wasn't a common choice for raw players. "You play chess before?"

The grin the dark-skinned boy shot him was nothing short of vicious in its glee. Momentarily, Ron wondered if the boy wasn't more Slytherin than Ravenclaw as he'd initially assumed. "Never."

----

"Hello."

Tayuya turned to glare at the girl. Well, not really at her, per se, but just then Tayuya was willing to use the hapless Ravenclaw as the representation of everything shitty that had happened in the past several months. Such as being informed by Orochimaru-sama that they would be attending a western boarding school. Such as having to learn English, a language that had far too many words for one thing and nonsensical grammar. Such as actually having to go to boarding school and learn useless western magic and associate with idiots who, if how they acted was anything to judge by, had never seen a dead body in their entire lives, much less killed anybody. Soft. Worse, soft and unaware that they were. Fucking idiots, every one of them.

Though Tayuya's glare was revved up to medium-high (a degree usually reserved for Jiroubou lecturing her while she was she in a great deal of pain and/or hung over and Kimimaro whenever he wasn't looking directly at her or wasn't in the room) the girl barely blinked at her hostile expression. In fact, she wasn't even looking at her, but somewhere directly above her head.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

Tayuya glanced out the nearest window. Though the overwhelming blue was starting to get to her, at least this 'common room' area had a decent view, currently of a cloudy sky and a downpour of rain. It had been so all day. Tayuya expressed her feelings about the girl's opinion as she expressed everything; bluntly. "The weather fucking bites."

"The sky isn't as clear as it could be," the girl agreed amiably, "but the day has otherwise been nice. I do like it when it is time to return to return to Hogwarts. No one has even made fun of me today."

Tayuya sneered. "How nice for you." Hopefully the sarcasm would be enough to get the girl to leave her alone.

No such luck. The girl didn't even seem to notice. "I am Luna Lovegood."

"I don't want to be here."

Luna blinked again. "Is that a common name where you come from?"

Tayuya gritted her teeth. "It's not a name."

"It should be. It's very pretty."

That was pretty much the limit of what Tayuya could stand. She pushed herself to her feet. "You're fucking insane." It was on that note she turned around and stomped over to where the largest gathering of students was situated. Tayuya hated people and these gaijin were all pathetic, but at least they weren't nuts.

One of the girls who Tayuya had noticed earlier was going to be in her 'year' noticed her approach and smiled sympathetically. "I see you've met Loony Lovegood."

Tayuya shrugged and sat down in one of the last available chairs. "That's what you call her? Seems right enough. She's short something in the sanity department."

Another one of the girls giggled. Tayuya decided she hated her. "Loony's always been like that. She's so _strange_."

A taller girl with pigtails smirked cruelly. "It's hardly a wonder everyone avoids her." Tayuya didn't much like her either.

The girl who had first spoken to Tayuya nodded. "Hardly. It's a good thing you came over here early… Tayuya, was it?"

Tayuya nodded, holding back all the caustic remarks that sprang to mind. Orochimaru-sama had ordered them to not cause any trouble, and even if she wasn't particularly happy with her master just then, it never bode well to disobey him. "That's right."

The girl continued talking, not seeming to notice Tayuya's response. "I mean, if you actually hung out with her… everyone knows Loony's oddness is… catching."

Tayuya felt one of her hands clench, but she forced a smile on her face just the same. The topic of conversation then shifted as the girl with pigtails said brightly to the group at large, "You haven't seen my new necklace yet, have you? It's simply gorgeous. My Uncle Bradley got it for me on his holiday…"

It was something less than five minutes later that Tayuya found herself back at the windowsill, Luna's large eyes blinking at her. "I thought you didn't like me."

Tayuya scowled. "I don't, but anything's better than _them_." She jerked a finger in the direction of what she had privately (and not so privately) deemed the Flock of Idiocy, who were currently gaping at her back en masse, not seeming able to believe that her departure from their group had actually taken place, and to rejoin Loony Lovegood's company, at that.

Luna blinked again. Then she smiled.

----

Jiroubou couldn't understand why he had to be the one stuck with Kimimaro. Out of all the Five, Jiroubou liked the Kaguya prodigy the least. He could take Tayuya's insults, Kidoumaru's random jokes that made no sense and the twins' clannishness, but Kimimaro _scared_ him. And for good reason. Jiroubou could still remember that one time when Kimimaro had stabbed Kidoumaru through the chest just for making a joke about Orochimaru-sama's sexual preferences and Kabuto had to work on the spider-nin for over six hours just to get him stabilized. What he and Kimimaro could possibly have in common to make them end up in the same place, Jiroubou didn't know and didn't particularly want to know.

The other members of this Hufflepuff House were almost as bad. They were all so… jumpy. They kept on sending out nervous looks at nothing in particular. The half that wasn't doing that was looking at Kimimaro. The female half, that is. This Jiroubou understood even less than why he had ended up in Hufflepuff with Kimimaro to begin with. Sure, Kimimaro wasn't bad looking or anything, but anyone with any sense at all could tell that Kimimaro's aura had 'Property of Orochimaru-sama" stamped all over it, and the 'do not touch' vibes Kimimaro was sending out should have been enough to deter even the most foolish potential suitor. Apparently not, if the looks some of the females were sending the Kaguya prodigy were anything to go by. A particularly brave (or stupid) girl even walked up to Kimimaro and touched him on the arm as she smiled up at him. Kimimaro, rather predictably, shook her off and sent her a glare. This sent a wave of giggles reverberating throughout the younger half of the Hufflepuff female population, which just made Kimimaro's glare deepen. Things degenerated from there.

As one or two of the older boys mustered up the courage to try and confront Kimimaro about one especially cutting insult about a girl's parentage that had ended up with her crying and running back to her friends, Jiroubou steeled himself and started walking towards Kimimaro. From the very moment that old hat had called out 'Hufflepuff' as it sat on Kimimaro's head, somehow, Jiroubou had known he would be the one stuck as the Kaguya prodigy's referee. He had just hoped it wouldn't be so soon. Where the hell was Kabuto when you needed him?

/_Now, Kimimaro, come on, she didn't mean anything by that…_/ Kimimaro's glare was suddenly shifted his way. Against his will, Jiroubou flinched. Already it was shaping up to be a miserable year.

----

It didn't take long for the blond to regain his bravado. One of the first things he did after the group of Slytherins entered the dungeons (and while the corridors surprisingly looked appropriately creepy, this 'common room' was just a joke. Who hung tapestries and arranged couches in a _dungeon_?) was shove Ukon into a wall, or at least try to. One of the advantages of being short, especially by westerner standards, was that it was very easy to duck. There was more than one snicker as blondy stumbled as his hands hit air where Ukon had formerly been. To the side, Sakon was already beginning to rub at his temples. Ten seconds after their arrival in Slytherin House and he could tell their day wasn't going to end well. Not that it had started out all that great.

From behind the older boy, Ukon said calmly, "Your aim leaves something to be desired."

The blond twisted around, his face twisted a sneer to hide the humiliation at his failed assault on the Japanese boy. The two larger boys who had accompanied the blond at dinner walked up to stand behind the blond and stared down at Ukon in a likely attempt at intimidation. Not that it worked. "You have no right to be here. Slytherin couldn't stand foreigners. Especially _mudblood_ foreigners."

Ukon took a moment to respond. Then… "Would you please define mudblood for me?"

The blond's features momentarily smoothed out in his confusion. "It's what you are. Someone born into a non-magical family and who came by their magic illegitimately." The sneer returned. "_Filth_, basically."

Ukon glanced at Sakon, who had stopped rubbing his temples long enough to stare at the blond incredulously. Then Ukon started to snicker. It only took a few seconds for the younger twin to join in. It took even less time for the older blond boy to get very angry. "What's so funny?"

The twins' laughter broke off so abruptly it quieted the whispers of the audience watching the little showdown. Ukon looked Sakon, Sakon looked at Ukon. Ukon grinned. /_Shall we?_/

Sakon's smile was an eerie mirror of his elder brother's. /_After you_./

Ukon's shoulders were shaking slightly as he turned back to the blond, trying to muffle another laugh. "I don't know what led you to believe we came by our magic… how did you say it? Illegitimately? But our bloodline runs back over a thousand years." Without taking his eyes off the blond, Ukon addressed his younger brother. "Sakon?"

"Yes, Ukon?"

"Did _any_ of us come by our magic illegitimately?"

"Well," and even with his back to him, Ukon could here the snicker in Sakon's voice, "I know Kidoumaru and Tayuya are _illegitimate_, but they came by their talents legitimately enough. Wasn't Kidoumaru's father some higher-up in that one small shinobi village near Sand?"

Ukon nodded. "Tayuya's mother was a kunoichi. Got pregnant on assignment."

"Doesn't that make them half legitimate, then?"

It was amusing to watch the blond's obvious incomprehension at _shinobi _and _kunoichi_, words that had no real equivalent in the English language, but he stayed his path even through his confusion. "You mean to tell me that muggle-loving fool Dumbledore allowed a few purebloods through the cracks?"

Ukon shrugged. "I suppose so."

The smile that spread across the blond's face was oddly genuine. "You should have said so to begin with. Though I guess I should have figured you were purebloods, seeing as no mudblood could possibly use wandless magic. Takes too much brains." A snicker again ran through the gathering of Slytherins, though this time at the mudbloods' expense rather than at the blond's. The blond's smile widened, obviously relieved he had regained his place in the hierarchy, then held out his hand to Ukon. "Sorry about jumping to conclusions earlier. I'm Draco Malfoy."

For several seconds, Ukon stared at the blond's hand. A quiet murmur ran through the crowd. The older boy's smile weakened.

/_It would be best to avoid alienating the locals, Ukon. Orochimaru-sama told us to behave, and this boy seems to have some influence here_./

Ukon observed the group of Slytherins. Weak, most of them, but still… /_I suppose you are right, little brother_./ He reached out and grasped Draco's hand with his own. The older boy smiled. Ukon smiled back. /_Do you think we should tell them that any half-decent genin could do the kunai summoning trick?_/

Behind him, Sakon rolled his eyes. /_Of course not. Why ruin the moment with reality?_/


	3. The Great Hall

Author's Note: The sole reason I'm posting another chapter so soon is because of an amazing piece of fanart I received from Red Crow. It's of Ron and Kidoumaru playing chess, it's beautiful, and it's posted here (though be sure to take out the spaces when you trying and link to it): http / www . deviantart . com / view / 25005756 /

Yes, I know. I'm a fanart/review whore. I don't really care. This was worth another 3,000 odd words of crack.

----

As Sakon from across the room watched Kidoumaru fall face-first into his oatmeal, he came to the somewhat comforting conclusion that the energy drain he'd been feeling ever since they'd arrived in this castle wasn't limited to himself. Of course, his lethargy was due to the fact that ever since Orochimaru-sama had forbidden him and Ukon to combine, he hadn't been able to sleep, but still, comforting. What wasn't so comforting was the fact that no one at the Gryffindor table seemed to notice Kidoumaru's rather ill-fated dive into the warm cereal, and even though Kidoumaru's good cheer was occasionally grating, drowning in oatmeal was just too undignified a death for one of Sound's elite. So in the end, it was Sakon who gave an irritated sigh, which earned him inquiring looks from his new housemates, pushed himself to his feet, walked over to the Gryffindor table, ignored the hostile looks from the resident Gryffindors, and pulled his teammate's face out of what would have been his breakfast if he'd stayed awake long enough to eat it.

Instead of the thank you Sakon expected (unlike every other member of the Sound Five, Kidoumaru made an effort to use manners most of the time), all the pale-haired Sound-nin got in return for his rescue was a weak cough and a low mumble of/_Just five more minutes, Kabuto-san…_/ and a sudden switch to English that made absolutely no sense and sounded something like, "Pawn to… F4…" Sakon made the only response to this he could think of; he let go of Kidoumaru's ponytail by which he had hauled his teammate out of the muck, and Kidoumaru's forehead promptly smacked the edge of the table. Needless to say,_ that_ got a reaction.

/_Damn it all to hell!_/ Now having been mostly awoken by the sudden blow to his head, Kidoumaru rubbed at the bump already forming near his left temple and glared at Sakon. /_What was that for?_/

Sakon snorted. /_When you started to rant incoherently, I figured it was time for your wakeup call._/

Now Kidoumaru looked confused. By now they were getting more than a few stares, both for the unexpected appearance of a Slytherin at the Gryffindor table and for the conversation they were having that no one could understand. Sakon didn't care. Kidoumaru might have, but he didn't notice. /_What did I say?_/

"Pawn to F4," Sakon said, not bothering to translate it to Japanese. It helped that he had no idea what the Japanese equivalent of 'F' was, but therein lay one of the biggest problems with trying to learn a phonetic language.

The bemusement on Kidoumaru's face melted away in favor of a rather goofy grin. Inwardly, Sakon groaned. He _knew_ that grin. It spoke of bad, bad things, at least for anyone who didn't share Kidoumaru's rather peculiar… interests. /_Did I tell you I learned a new board game last night?_/

It figured. It really, really figured. One of the few highlights of being sent to this godforsaken country, at least in Sakon's opinion, had been that it was far away from Go, Shogi, and all the other games that Kidoumaru forced his teammates to play on a regular basis. Sakon _hated_ board games. There had once been a time where he actually didn't mind them so much, but after being trumped by Kidoumaru for the hundredth time, he had rapidly gotten sick of them. And here they were, thousands of miles of miles away from the nearest Shogi board, and Sakon still hadn't managed to escape.

He was going to kill whoever had taught Kidoumaru this new game. /_What game?_/

/_It's called chess, and it's amazing. More than amazing. It's better than Shogi._/

Better than Shogi. Crap. Forget kill. More like torture, slowly and painfully. /_Really?_/

Kidoumaru nodded, still grinning. /_Really!_ _I'm not very good at it yet, but Ron promised me he'd teach me proper castling techniques tonight and-_/

It was then that Sakon stopped listening. He had a name. As soon as he found out who this Ron was, the idiot was going to be in a shitload of-

Orochimaru-sama's last words to his students just then decided to run through Sakon's head, which abruptly and permanently ruined all of the pale-haired Sound-nin's plans for retribution. (('You are to attract no attention. None. You are going to this school to learn western magic, and that is your sole purpose. If I hear that you have been causing trouble…')) Orochimaru-sama hadn't bothered to finish his sentence. The Sound Five had enough imagination to finish it for him.

Sakon felt his fingernails bite into his palm. He couldn't _believe_ this. Distantly, he could still hear Kidoumaru chattering on about his new obsession, but it was easy enough to ignore. They were stuck in this place for a year at least and it was just, just so-

From behind Sakon, a voice drawled/_The freak's found a new game to bore us over, hasn't he._/

Sakon turned to see Tayuya, who was scowling as usual as she walked towards them from the Ravenclaw table. Though quite a large percentage of the school was now watching them, the teachers were quite pointedly not paying attention to what was going on. Sakon suspected they wouldn't interfere unless it came to blows, though one of them, an extremely fat woman with bad hair, was whispering furiously to Dumbledore-sama, who was in turn smiling politely and not listening at all to what she was saying. Sakon quickly returned his attention to the shortest member of the Sound Five in time to watch Tayuya's scowl deepen. /_You think, Tayuya?_/

Even with his eyes off the dark-skinned shinobi, Sakon could tell easily just when Kidoumaru decided to return Tayuya's scowl. /_Chess isn't boring._/

Tayuya snorted and seated herself beside Kidoumaru, spooning some oatmeal for herself into a bowl. /_If you like it, it's probably as dull as all hell._/

Just then, one of the westerners, a thin boy with a heavier accent than most of the students, decided to interject, rather stupidly choosing Tayuya as his target. "Only Gryffindors are allowed to eat at the Gryffindor table."

Tayuya didn't even bother looking up from her breakfast as she replied, "Only /_complete fuckers_/ interrupt someone when they're eating." It was probably a good thing that Tayuya hadn't managed to learn how to swear in English yet, because the Gryffindor boy only looked completely confused instead of angry. If the boy had understood, Sakon knew he would probably end up being the one to stop the resulting fight, which would have not been a good way to start the day. Normally, acting the part of peacemaker was Kidoumaru's job, but after the dark-skinned shinobi's initial bout of enthusiasm his energy had again begun to flag and by the way he stared blankly at the tabletop, he wasn't likely to notice even if a shouting match erupted five feet from him.

Having come up with nothing to say in response to Tayuya's indecipherable (to him, at least) retort, the thin westerner withdrew, and Sakon leaned against the Gryffindor table to watch as Kidoumaru's eyes gradually began to close and the oatmeal incident almost made a repeat performance. /_How late were you up last night, anyway?_/

Kidoumaru started awake from his half-drowse, then gave a deep yawn before shrugging. /_Don't know. I lost track of time after the sixth game._/

Sakon blinked. /_Sixth game?_/

----

"Ron!"

Having someone shriek into your ear would have startled even the most stoic of wizards, and Ron Weasley wasn't exactly known for his stoicism. He flinched at the sudden rise in volume, and unfortunately he was leaning his head against his right hand in an effort to keep himself upright. The sudden movement of his arm resulted in the equally sudden, but far more painful, meeting of his chin to the tabletop.

It took him several seconds to spit out enough blood (most of it landing on his toast) to be able to reply. "Hermione! Bloody hell, what was that for? You made me bite my tongue!"

Hermione, as could only be expected, was unrepentant. "Why are you so tired? You haven't heard a thing I've said in the past ten minutes and your head keeps on nodding like you're about to fall over."

With the blood now rimming the edges of his mouth, Ron's grin looked slightly morbid, but it was definitely sincere. "I was up playing chess."

Hermione looked skeptical. "With Harry? Doesn't he usually quit after one game?"

This was normally the point in the conversation when Harry would have objected to Hermione's (accurate, but still brusque) evaluation of his conventional chess strategy, but the Boy-Who-Lived was currently engaged elsewhere, watching the new exchange students chat on the other end of the table, and so the conversation went on without him.

Ron shook his head. "Not with Harry. With that new kid, Kidoumaru." The grin returned. The dreamy look in Ron's eyes had Hermione somewhat worried. "He's absolutely wonderful."

Hermione was desperately hoping she was hearing this wrong. "Wonderful?"

"He's…" Ron put his fingers together in his favorite thinking position, one Hermione had only previously seen him use while participating in a particularly difficult game of chess. "He's _brilliant_."

This being a word Hermione had only previously heard Ron use when referring to her, the muggleborn's unease intensified. "Brilliant?"

Ron nodded. "I've never seen anyone pick up chess so quickly. I mean, he even stalemated me on our fifth game-"

Hermione's jaw dropped. "_Fifth_? Ron, how many games did you play?"

Ron shrugged. "Dunno. Stopped counting after our seventh go, but it was… hey Harry, how late did I turn in last night?"

Momentarily distracted from watching the red-haired Japanese girl spit something particularly venomous at Seamus, Harry echoed Ron's shrug. "It was at two, two-thirty this morning I think. At least that's what my alarm clock said when you ran into my end table and your swearing woke me up. What do you think they're talking about?"

Ron had known Harry far too long to be thrown off by his non sequiturs. "How should I know? I can't understand Japanese. But it really was amazing, Hermione. The kid was a natural. Hell, one month and he'll give me a run for my money. I haven't had so much fun playing since McGonagalls's chess set our first year."

About to point out that getting the snot beat out of him by a life-sized knight was hardly the definition of _fun_, Hermione in the end decided against it, knowing the surest way to get sidetracked with Ron was to try and follow up on the niggling details. "You will be playing him again, then?"

"I'm teaching him how to castle properly tonight."

After that, Hermione didn't really want to pursue the subject anymore, because even though a new chess buddy wasn't really all that likely to break up their trio, the idea of Ron making another friend that would likely take up a great deal of his time was foreign enough to be somewhat disturbing. She evaded further discussion by changing the topic of conversation to what kind of teacher Umbridge would turn out to be, an issue Ron was quite happy to talk about, though most of what he said about their new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was distinctly unflattering. Meanwhile, Harry was still trying to figure out what was going on at the other end of the table. Ever since the Japanese foreign exchange students had arrived, he'd felt uneasy, but if pressed, he wouldn't be able to say why, except that for some reason whenever one of the new students passed him by, Harry Potter couldn't help but be reminded of Cedric Diggory's death.

----

However, no matter what the Boy-Who-Lived was thinking about the new students from Japan, at the other end of the Gryffindor table, nothing particularly sinister was going on. Well, at least not just then.

Gazing upon the sudden congregation of most of his teammates, Kidoumaru was tapping his chin in thought. /_I understand that Sakon is over here because he had to save me from the western abomination that is this oatmeal stuff, but what are the rest of you doing here? Aren't we supposed to stick with our Houses?_/

Ukon, who at some point during the abbreviated conversation of his younger brother and Kidoumaru about chess had ambled over from the Slytherin table and seated himself on the dark-skinned shinobi's left, glanced up briefly towards Kidoumaru before returning his attention to the previously mentioned offending breakfast food. /_I like oatmeal. And the Slytherin table is out of it. Those two dumb bastards that follow Draco around finished it off._/

Jiroubou, who had chosen to sit opposite Tayuya, swallowed a bite of his scrambled eggs and shrugged. /_Staying around Kimimaro so long makes me jumpy._/

Stealing a bite of egg off Jiroubou's plate, scoring herself a sigh from the large shinobi, Tayuya gave the room at large a disgusted sneer. /_I was sick of answering questions about you dumbasses. 'How long have you known them?' 'Does Kidoumaru like blonde girls?' 'Don't you just love how Kimimaro combs his hair?' Makes me fucking ill._/

There was a pause as the male members of the Sound Four tried to process this new revelation. It was Kidoumaru who broke the silence. /_I like blondes._/

That earned him a sharp elbow in the ribs. /_Like I'm going to act as the fucking message girl for your fan club of halfwits. Besides, any one of them found out about your arms, you think they'd care one fuck for how nice your grin is?_/

Kidoumaru's grin, which even Tayuya admitted privately was rather nice, evaporated off his face at his teammate's words. In the uncomfortable quiet that followed, Jiroubou made an effort to mend the breach. /_Tayuya, that was-_/

/_The truth, and you know it, fatass. If these weaklings found out what we really are, they wouldn't be sitting within ten meters of us. It would be stupid to get involved. We should just try and last out the year here and get out._/

Ukon wasn't stupid enough to try and get Tayuya to repent for her harshness, but in his own way, he was successful at mitigating the damage done towards his more sensitive teammates. /_It hardly matters. None of these people are worth it, anyway._/ He pulled a slip of paper out of one of the pockets of his robe. /_By the way, which electives did you choose? By what I overheard in the dungeons, it seems like Slytherin and Gryffindor have classes together and so do Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, so Kidoumaru will be with us most of the day, but the optional courses I chose at random._/

Tayuya groaned. /_So I'm stuck with Jiroubou and that fucker Kimimaro, then?_/

Ukon shook his head. /_Kimimaro is in the year above us, so you're just with Jiroubou. I'm in Care of Magical Creatures and Divination for my electives. You?_/

Tayuya shrugged. /_I'm in Divination with you, though that telling the future shit sounds like a load of crap to me. Just took it so I could have a class I could sleep through. Also in Muggle Studies._/

Jiroubou blinked. /_What's a muggle?_/

/_No fucking idea._/

Sakon pulled his own class schedule out of pocket and examined it. /_I'm in the same classes as Ukon._/

/_Big fucking surprise._/

Sakon ignored her. /_I heard Draco mention muggles last night though. Called Dumbledore-sama a muggle-loving fool, though considering his bias I'm not sure that means muggles are a bad thing._/

Kidoumaru, as always, bounced back quickly enough from his previous hurt to participate in the conversation. /_I'm in Arithmancy and Study of Ancient Runes._/ He shot Tayuya a dark look. /_Unlike you, I actually want this year to be worth something._/

Tayuya snorted. /_Have fun. I'm sure it will be great learning basic math all over again in another language._/

Jiroubou tried to head off the approaching argument before it started. /_I chose Care of Magical Creatures and Study of Ancient Runes. It's important to understand as much of the west's history as possible so we have some information to give Orochimaru-sama when we-_/

Tayuya kicked Jiroubou under the table. /_Can it, fatass. You're sucking up so much you're starting to sound like Kimimaro and it makes me want to puke._/

That almost started another argument right there, but abruptly everyone began to stand up and start walking out the door. One of the older Ravenclaws paused long enough by their table to say, "Class is starting soon. You'd best hurry up."

Before Tayuya could tell the boy where to cram his advice, he was already out of hearing range and the other members of the Sound Four were putting their schedules away. Kidoumaru was the first to his feet and at the threshold of the Great Hall, shot Tayuya a dark grin. /_Have you gone deaf or something, Tayuya? It's time to go._/

/_Shove it._/ Nevertheless, Tayuya also started for the door. From what she had heard of the Potions professor, being late for her first class probably wasn't the greatest idea, and even if she was angry at Orochimaru-sama, she still felt no desire to disappoint him by messing up so soon.


	4. The Classroom

Author's Note: For monoshiri.

More and more, Kidoumaru found himself wishing he had brushed up on European history before he had been shipped off to Scotland. Hogwarts was supposed to be well over one thousand years old, yet the Potions classroom was still very identifiably a former torture chamber. The actual interrogation instruments had been removed, true, but the holes in the floor, walls, and ceiling where said instruments had once resided were still visible, even though shelves lined almost every surface. Apparently the European magic users of centuries past weren't as pacifistic as the wizards who currently resided within Hogwarts castle.

It didn't really bother Kidoumaru; he had seen torture rooms before, real ones that had been used within the past day or so, not the past millennium. Still, he wondered what point the teachers were trying to get across. The students didn't seem affected by it, but based on his prior experience (admittedly limited), Kidoumaru could only attribute this lack of a reaction to familiarity of this room or a complete absence of analytical skills, not towards an indifference for torture.

The potions teacher wasn't there when the third year Slytherin and Gryffindor students arrived for class. Seeing how the tables were arranged, Kidoumaru wasn't sure whether to be relieved that they were expected to operate in partnerships, as he had exactly zero practical experience in this area of magic (_Potente Potions_ had been an interesting read but hadn't been so great on the details), or irritated at the prospect of being stuck with Dennis for the duration of the school year, since there was no way in hell Sakon and Ukon were going to work with anyone but each other. He decided on relieved. Dennis was tiring to deal with, but he also possessed a far more intimate knowledge of Europe in general and Hogwarts in particular than Kidoumaru, and at the least would be a useful font of information. He had already proved his worth explaining the intricacies of chess, and was more than pleased to fill in the gaps of his new friend's knowledge.

Dennis chewed thoughtfully on his quill as he considered Kidoumaru's question. "I would've thought that Ron would tell you all about Professor Snape, but I guess you two were too involved in your chess games to talk about much else."

Kidoumaru nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as across the room, Ukon flipped slowly through the first chapter of _Potente Potions_ and ignored his younger brother, who was chatting with a fellow Slytherin third year with a mop of brown hair. Not too surprising. Ukon was almost as antisocial as Kimimaro when it came to meeting new people, and he didn't often appreciate Sakon's gregariousness. Kidoumaru listened half-heartedly, then with growing interest as Dennis went into greater detail about Severus Snape, the Potions Master, and apparently one of the most evil people on the face of the planet. "He's a real bastard, Snape is. Really biased towards Slytherins, and he hates Gryffindors. Wouldn't be surprised if he insulted you right off, seeing as you're new." It was then that Dennis leaned in close, forcing Kidoumaru to start leaning back instinctually in response to the unexpected proximity before remembering himself. It took a prodigious effort of will to force his body to stay where it was, but the westerners seemed so touchy feely that Dennis would probably be offended if he backed off, and then Kidoumaru wouldn't get anything out of him. So Kidoumaru pushed his claustrophobia to the wayside and waited.

It was only a few inches away from Kidoumaru's face that Dennis finally stopped. In a low whisper, he gravely announced, "Most people think Snape is a Death Eater. Wouldn't surprise me a bit."

Kidoumaru blinked. By the tone of Dennis's voice, his proclamation was supposed to be met with shock, awe, or some variation, but all Kidoumaru felt was confused. "A what?"

"They're followers of You-Know-Who!"

"You mean Voldemort?"

Dennis's face contorted, but in the end, he ground out, "Yes. You really shouldn't say his name though. I'm a muggle-born, and it even makes me feel weird. You'll scare the purebloods if you say it too much."

Muggle… it was just then that Kidoumaru remembered the conversation at breakfast. "That reminds me… Dennis, what is a…"

The sudden pallor that was cast over the classroom was enough to make Kidoumaru pause and look towards the door. On the other side of the dungeon, with their eerie synchronization that often put off those who didn't know them, the eyes of both twins narrowed at the figure standing in the doorway.

He was tall. Of course, by Kidoumaru's standards most westerners were larger than was completely normal, but this man towered even for a gaijin. And no other westerner Kidoumaru had seen had eyes like that. Assassin's eyes. Killer's eyes. The chakra signature he emanated wasn't especially powerful, but his intent, which Kidoumaru could barely read through the layers of indifference the man wove around himself, was… almost impressive. You had to be pretty cold to have intent like that. You had to be pretty damn sneaky to hide it so well, too.

The man's dark eyes scanned the room slowly, pausing at each student. With Sakon and Ukon being the sole exceptions, every Slytherin's eyes averted as the man's eyes passed them. Kidoumaru's suspicions solidified. Definitely an assassin at some point or another. There was some paranoia you could only acquire with a deep-seeded knowledge of how many different ways someone could kill you, and the way the man examined everyone in the room as if to glean their motivations from the planes of their faces left no doubt in Kidoumaru's mind that this guy was aware of most of the methods of murder.

He stopped the longest when he came to Kidoumaru. It was with his eyes still meeting Kidoumaru's that the man finally spoke. "So you are the newest member of the noble house of Gryffindor." Though his tone barely rose above a whisper, his voice carried to every corner of the room. Dark sarcasm dripped from the man's every word, but it was stressed the most when he came to _noble_, his contempt obvious. The Slytherin half of the room snickered, Sakon and Ukon again being the only exceptions, though the sound quickly faded as the man's gaze remained hard.Next to Kidoumaru, Dennis tried to bring his chin up defiantly at the slur, but the man's unblinking stare ultimately forced the boy to look away.

The man's words were a statement, not a question. There was nothing for Kidoumaru to answer to, so he didn't say anything, just met the man's eyes and tried to figure out why the first person he met on this continent who presented any kind of danger at all was a teacher. Retired, perhaps? Or it could be a cover… from the listings Kidoumaru had seen in _Potente Potions_, a textbook for children, potions could be used in a variety of ways, not all of them benign. And this man, this Professor Snape, was a master of the potions art.

_Poisoner. _It was the only thing that really made any sense. Kidoumaru didn't smile as he stared back at the Potions Master, for Snape didn't seem like the type who would appreciate any type of levity he wasn't privy to. It was difficult, because for the first time since he and his comrades had arrived in Scotland, Kidoumaru felt that this trip might serve as something other than a useless distraction. Poisoners back in Japan were a secretive bunch, wary of giving up their secrets, and they rarely used chakra in their doings. Unlike here, a land that had created toxins that no one in Japan had counters to, with magicks almost no one in Japan understood, and Kidoumaru had access to a master's knowledge. A master whose eyes narrowed further with every second Kidoumaru went without speaking. "Are you deaf and dumb, boy?"

This was something Kidoumaru could definitely respond to. "No, Professor."

Professor Snape's lips thinned, but whatever he found displeasure in, he didn't address it. "I'm sure you've already heard all manner of horrible rumors about me," Dennis squirmed, "and doubtless you've already been tainted by the Gryffindor mystique of superiority, but do keep in mind that while in this classroom, you are to behave yourself accordingly, no matter how you act elsewhere. Is that understood?"

Well, the guy was rapidly proving himself to be a hardass. Kidoumaru didn't really care as long as he was competent (actually, Snape was starting to remind Kidoumaru of a taijutsu instructor he had had when he was ten whom he had rather liked; too bad the man had turned out to be a Leaf assassin and gotten his head chopped off), but he had a feeling that Tayuya would be at the Potion Master's throat if she hadn't been given explicit orders to cool it around the teachers. "Yes, Professor."

The Potion Master's lips thinned further for some reason, but all he did was walk to the front of the classroom and begin his lecture. Kidoumaru briefly made eye contact with Sakon and Ukon, an understanding quickly passing between them of the find they had just come across, before they mutually turned to face the dark-haired man who was their newest instructor. Dennis, on the other hand, was staring at Kidoumaru with a strange mix of adoration and bemusement. Kidoumaru ignored him.

----

Tayuya wasn't having such a great time of it. For some reason, the Potions teacher hadn't shown up to class, and they'd been watched over by a snot-faced girl with a shiny badge as they read the curriculum the teacher had left written on the board. Or at least tried to; the teacher's handwriting was illegible, at least for Tayuya, who had trouble reading English as it was, and Tayuya had soon given up in disgust, though she reminded herself to ask Jiroubou about it later, or maybe Kidoumaru, since the freak had put the most effort into learning English and had probably actually managed to decipher it.

Divination had been a complete waste of time; the teacher turned out to be an absolute nutcase, expecting them to believe she saw into the future like that. Worse, expecting them to believe that they might one day see into the future. What a load of bullshit. Sakon and Ukon had been no help, furiously discussing something at their table that Tayuya couldn't hear, but involved a lot of grinning and generally acting like fucktards.

Muggle Studies, however, was proving to be the worst of the lot. The teacher had introduced herself, though Tayuya hadn't paid attention and forgot it within five minutes, and then gone on about how the muggle world was largely beyond the comprehension of most wizards and this class was to try and help students understand a little bit about the workings of the muggle mind. None of this told Tayuya exactly what a muggle was, though by the sound of it they were some foreign species of sentient animal that was quite abundant and very dangerous unless approached properly.

Tayuya managed to follow that much of the teacher's lecture. She wasn't really used to going this long without moving and rather wanted to go outside and stretch to keep her muscles from tightening up, but it wasn't too bad until the teacher brought out the television, an older type with a rounded screen instead one of the new flatscreens. It was then that Tayuya began to get confused. "Now," the teacher said with a smile, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

Everyone stared at the television. No one said anything. Tayuya looked around the classroom incredulously. This had to be a joke. "It's a /_fucking_/ television."

Everyone looked at her. Tayuya was fairly sure it wasn't because of her language, since no one in this shit country knew any Japanese and probably thought she was naming a brand, but she still sneered. After a moment, the teacher spoke. She sounded surprised. "Very good, Miss…" she looked down at a scroll she held in her hands, "Tayuya. One point to Ravenclaw."

Tayuya stared at the teacher blankly. One point? One point towards what? What the hell was the woman talking about? And why hadn't anyone else tried to answer?

The teacher was still addressing her. "Now for an extra _five_ points, Miss Tayuya, can you tell me what a television does?"

This was really fucking weird. "You turn it on and watch programs. News, cartoons, stuff like that." Most of what she said seemed to go over her classmates' heads, but the teacher just smiled again. "Correct again, Miss Tayuya. Five points to Ravenclaw. Have you studied muggles in your home country?"

This was getting ridiculous, and Tayuya was becoming tired of being in the dark. "What is a muggle?"

Now everyone was _really_ staring. One boy snickered. Tayuya stared at him until he shut up and made a note to break his nose later, preferably when no one else was around to yell at her about it. The teacher appeared surprised, too, but she quickly recovered. "Well, Miss Tayuya…" Then she told Tayuya what a muggle was. Tayuya would have laughed after she got over her shock, but she was just too disgusted for anything but a string of swearwords under her breath, too quiet for anyone to hear. She really, really hated this place.

----

After much thought, Jiroubou decided that he liked Herbology. He wasn't much of a gardener- that had always been more Kimimaro's thing, whenever the Kaguya prodigy decided to act human long enough to have a thing at all- but it was soothing and kind of reminded him of the time Orochimaru-sama had sat them all down and taught them how to meditate in order to calm their chakras. It didn't require much talking, either, which Jiroubou appreciated. He could follow regular English alright, but when the teachers had started to go into the specifics of their subjects during class, he had been left behind. It wasn't a comfortable feeling, even though he was sort of used to it after years of being the least quick-witted of his teammates. But Herbology… Herbology was nice. Even Tayuya didn't seem to mind so much, her face scrunched tightly as usual, though currently it was out of concentration and not because of her habitual scowl, as the rooting procedure of these particular plants was a little complicated.

Sometimes Jiroubou thought Tayuya might be kind of pretty if she smiled once in a while, though he doubted she would ever be a real girl, like the ones he faintly remembered from his childhood. Most of the time it bothered him, though not so much on missions, where any sort of girliness would just get in the way. It didn't bother him now, seeing the way some of the westerner boys looked at her. If Tayuya was a normal girl, Jiroubou would have to worry about protecting her. As it was, he was confident that there might be a few bruises here and there, but none of them would be Tayuya's. She wasn't very good at taijutsu, but everyone here was so soft that it hardly mattered. She could protect herself.

/_Hey, fatass. Pay attention. The fat woman's doing the clipping thing again and I'm not covering for you if you fuck up._/

Jiroubou scowled down at her, but obligingly returned his attention to the Herbology instructor. It might be good in the long run that Tayuya was so bitingly caustic, but sometimes he wished that she wasn't that way _all _the time.

----

It was only after Sakon had attended all of his other morning classes and was finishing up his last, Transfiguration, that he finally figured out what was bothering him so much about western magic. It wasn't just the way most of the techniques they learned bordered on worthless. It wasn't even the wands, no matter how foolish it seemed to rely on a stick to control the flow of your chakra. It was how fundamentally different westerners regarded magic. It wasn't a weapon to them; it wasn't a tool, either. It was… they _relied_ on it too much. They had techniques for ironing, techniques for sending letters, techniques for heating water, all stuff Sakon was used to doing by hand. If for whatever reason their access to their chakra was cut off, they'd be completely useless. Nothing was taught about taijutsu, or basic weapons combat. Their whole battle strategy seemed to be that if you were caught without a wand, you were totally screwed.

It was for this reason that Sakon couldn't take Charms seriously. It was a class to learn techniques for stuff that was almost as easily done manually. It was a complete waste of time. If it weren't for the fact that Charms also happened to be a practical class, Sakon would have henged his Potions book into the Charms book and read through the class, but unfortunately he was actually expected to demonstrate his mastery of the material. A no-win situation. Ukon told him to suck it up.

Transfiguration wasn't too bad, as it was a discipline rarely touched upon in Japan, though the teacher was older than anyone else Sakon had seen alive, barring Dumbledore-sama. Old enough to make Sakon feel like he was looking at a corpse every time she glanced his way. People shouldn't _live_ that old. They didn't, in Japan. Of course, there the average life expectancy for shinobi barely hit twenty, only being thrown off by the few who lived to retirement age (forty or so) and the instructors who rarely to never saw combat. He had seen one or two older civilians, true, but it wasn't the same. Things here really _were _different.

"Mister Sakon, if you would please change your teapot into a frog…" Sakon glanced up at the Transfiguration professor before looking down at the teapot in front of him. It was blue and decorated with a flower pattern. Sort of frivolous, considering it wasn't actually intended for tea drinking. Then he waved his wand. The teapot abruptly shuddered. Then it shifted.

Both Sakon and the Transfiguration professor looked at the frog in front of them. The Transfiguration professor was frowning. Sakon couldn't see why. The frog looked a little blue around the gills, true, but it was still a frog. Only three other students had made it that far. "Very good, Mister Sakon, though the extra gesture was unnecessary."

Gesture? What gesture? Ukon nudged him. /_You did the left-handed bit for the foundations of the water transformation technique, little brother. Might want to watch out for that. Mixing western and eastern magic is never a good idea._/

By then, the Transfiguration professor had moved on, so Sakon didn't bother whispering as he replied/_Maybe. But it helped, didn't it? I did better than you._/

All Ukon did was shake his head and look away. For the first time in his life, Sakon felt the urge to hit his elder brother, but only because this was the first time in his life he didn't understand what Ukon was thinking. It bothered him, though he soon forgot about it.

----

Kimimaro, as a rule, hated people. It wasn't on a sliding scale. There was Orochimaru-sama at the top, being the one person whom Kimimaro completely respected, Kabuto-sensei a few rungs below as the only person Orochimaru-sama really talked to as anything approaching an equal the few times Kabuto-sensei had visited, and everyone else was clustered at the bottom. He hadn't had much exposure to humanity as a whole, but without exception, most of them had been spineless and pathetic. It was therefore reasonable to surmise that he didn't particularly prefer one spineless and pathetic person's company other another, but this was quickly proving to be false, for as the hours dragged on, Kimimaro found himself longing for the company of the other members of the Sound Five. They were still idiots, but at least they had the common sense to stay at least five feet away from him at all times and not pretend as if he was anything but their superior. It could be argued that he was only really their superior in fighting ability, but they were shinobi, and that was the sole arena that truly mattered. But these westerners… they weren't just idiots, they were blind, _confident_ idiots.

"My name is Alice Aldridge," a Hufflepuff girl from his year confided in him as they sat in the History of Magic classroom, the oddly see-through teacher prattling on oblivious to what his students were doing. Kimimaro wondered if he was supposed to care.

The girl waited a few moments, obviously expecting something, before asking, "What's your name?"

It was only just in time that Kimimaro remembered to put his clan name last. Stupid western customs. "Kimimaro Kaguya."

"That's a pretty name." Then the girl giggled. "It's so funny that both our names are alliterative."

Kimimaro wondered if he was supposed to know what alliterative meant. He said nothing.

The girl waited some more, but Kimimaro was studying the teacher in more detail and not paying attention to her. He couldn't figure out how the instructor had made himself sheer like that. A western variation of henge, perhaps?

The girl again soon grew tired of waiting. Kimimaro's opinion of the westerner attention span (never too high to begin with), dropped a few notches. "So how do you like it here at Hogwarts?"

"I don't. How does Professor Binns make his body transparent?"

The girl blinked at the non sequitur. "Make himself? Professor Binns didn't make himself transparent. He's a ghost."

Kimimaro felt the blood drain out of his face. He didn't let his expression shift. "Perhaps I am translating your word wrong. By ghost, do you mean a dead person whose spirit is left behind in the mortal world?"

The girl nodded. Kimimaro didn't visibly shift, but his insides felt cold. A ghost. A lingering, evil spirit, unable to go onto the afterlife and stays to wreck the lives of the living. He had never seen one in person, but even he had heard the stories. Everyone knew them. Youkai. He was being taught by a youkai.

What was wrong with westerners? Were they so ignorant as to not know how to get rid of spirits? There were exorcisms for this type of situation. And why was no one fazed by this? Even if the youkai had once been a human, he wasn't any longer.

Why was no one fazed by this? Why were they just sitting around? Why was-

It was then that everyone started getting up and gathering their books, the class finally being over. Kimimaro followed suit, making a beeline for the door. Alice followed him. "So… I was wondering if we could have lunch together-"

"No." He didn't have time for her. Thank Kami it was time for the midday meal. He had to tell the others about this. Tayuya, at least, had some knowledge of youkai. Perhaps one of them had some idea what these gaijin were thinking, letting a spirit stay on the mortal plane. Perhaps. Somehow, Kimimaro still doubted it.


	5. Forbidden Forest Interlude

Author's Note: This takes place about two months after Chapter 4, on monoshiri's request (again), so they have adapted a little more and know more about Hogwarts and wizard Britain's current politics. Just as a warning.

They met in the library after class, at a table hidden away from the rest of the room by tall bookshelves. After almost two months at Hogwarts it was habitual, as there were few other places they could all get together that wasn't outside or unbearably loud. Meeting at the library would have been some other type of unbearable, seeing how strict Pince was, but a few weeks into the school year Kidoumaru had spent three hours talking to her about some obscure history books they both liked, and ever since then short of trying to kill each other, she pretty much let them do what they wanted. The benefits, Kidoumaru had said with a grin at the time, of getting authority on one's side.

He wasn't grinning now. /_Orochimaru-sama is going to kill me._/

Tayuya snorted. /_It's only detention. Not like you got expelled or anything. He isn't going to care. From what I've heard, he isn't even going to know. They don't bother telling parents and guardians about minor shit like this._/ Then she frowned. /_What did you do, though? The second-hand info I've gotten is way too crap to be reliable._/

Kidoumaru didn't reply, just lay his head dejectedly on the table, though his face turned an interesting shade of purple.

The lack of Kidoumaru not being cheery as usual was more than made up by the twins, both of whom were gasping with laughter to a point that it was almost uncharacteristic on Ukon's part. The elder brother managed to get a hold of himself first, and as he wiped away the tears, he explained/_Kidoumaru was sleeping through Transfigurations again-_/

/_Tired from staying up late playing that board game with his new boyfriend as usual, I imagine,_/ Sakon interjected with a snicker.

Kidoumaru scowled at them. /_It's called chess, you idiots, and I'll have you know I actually managed to beat him once yesterday-_/

Ukon waved off Kidoumaru's protest with a hand gesture. /_Whatever. Anyway, McGonagall-sensei noticed before Creevey managed to shake Kidoumaru awake this time, and she came stalking over to their desk and grabbed him on the shoulder-_/

At that, Tayuya gave a low whistle, and Jiroubou winced. /_He didn't hurt her, did he?_/

Ukon shook his head. /_If he had, he would've been expelled. As it was, he sort of lunged at her, but fortunately he noticed who she was before he started choking her-_/

Sakon grinned. /_Startled the hell out of her, though. Her eyes went wide and she started sputtering-_/

/_Meanwhile, Kidoumaru's apologizing like mad and waving his hands around and nearly bops her on the bloody nose-_/

Tayuya raised an eyebrow. /_Fairy, you do realize that you're using British slang in Japanese, don't you? Makes you sound even gayer than usual._/

Ukon glared at her. /_Fuck you._/

/_Nice offer, but I doubt you'd be able to get it up for a girl-_/

/_Wouldn't be hard. You're more butch than I am._/

/_A fucking dandelion is more butch than you are-_/

Now Jiroubou was scowling. /_Will you two stop swearing?_/

Sakon laughed. /_Yeah, big brother. You're scarring innocent youth, here._/

Ukon frowned at his younger brother, but soon both participants in the fight turned away, and the story continued. /_After McGonagall-sensei got over nearly being mauled, she told Kidoumaru that she was giving him a detention for both sleeping through class and almost assaulting a teacher, and that the punishment would be harsher if it happened again._/

Kidoumaru was still glaring in the twins' direction. /_Like it matters. I hate that class, anyway._/

Sakon smirked at him. /_That's because you suck at it. Personally, I find it to be the best part of the day._/

Kidoumaru sneered, though it was a halfhearted effort. /_You're a suck up._/

/_I'm just better at it than the rest of you._/

Now Ukon was scowling. /_Only because you cheat._/

/_Feeling shown up, big brother?_/

It would have been an unforeseen sight back in Japan, the twins arguing with each other, but here it had become a more and more common occurrence as time went on, and the other members of the Sound Four had learned to ignore it. It was sort of like a rash. Everyone hoped it would go away, but they really couldn't do much about it, so they pretended it wasn't there. So far Sakon and Ukon hadn't had an actual fight, but as Jiroubou watched the way Ukon's eyes narrowed, he thought it wouldn't be long before they did. It was a discomfiting idea.

As the twins bickered quietly, Tayuya turned to Kidoumaru and asked/_So, what are you doing during detention anyway, freak?_/

Kidoumaru shrugged. /_I'm gathering glowy mushrooms that work as potions ingredients on the edge of the Forbidden Forest tonight. Apparently you can only see them properly when the moon is out. Boring as hell, and worse, I have a Charms paper due tomorrow and I haven't started it yet._/

Tayuya rolled her eyes. /_Just do it now, then. You have a couple hours._/

Kidoumaru grinned weakly. /_Not going to let me copy yours?_/

/_Not a fucking chance. Luna and I spent three hours yesterday researching outdated cleaning charms and like hell I'm going to let you shortcut._/

/_You're a true friend, Tayuya._/

/_Damn right._/

The twins were still bickering, so it was Jiroubou who frowned sympathetically and patted Kidoumaru on the arm. Kidoumaru didn't flinch away from the touch, something that would have stymied the other Gryffindors, who had long identified the dark-skinned foreign exchange student to be fiercely protective of his personal space. But then, none of them had grown up with him. /_Too bad you're missing the poker game tonight, Kidoumaru. We're wagering chocolate frogs and I know how much you love those._/

Kidoumaru smiled, though the effort looked false. /_It's alright. Just save me one, okay?_/

----

"Alright," said Hagrid amiably, "This job is pretty easy. The mushrooms grow in the less dense areas of the forest, so you don't have to go in very far." He handed Kidoumaru a metal bucket. "This is what you put them in. Glowy mushrooms are pretty small, but they glow a little in moonlight." Then he guffawed. "You probably got that from their name, though.

"No one expects you to get too many. You'll find 'em in patches, but they're sprinkled around a bit. It's nine o'clock now, and seeing as you have class tomorrow we'll stop at midnight. Now then, you are working in the Forbidden Forest, even if it's only on the edges, so you're to report to me every hour at my cabin, just so I know you haven't been eaten or something. Got all that?"

The first time Kidoumaru had seen Hagrid, he had nearly had a heart attack. He had thought Snape-sensei was tall, but next to Hagrid he looked like a midget. But the twins and Jiroubou had class with him, and while the twins lived in eternal scorn, Jiroubou liked him and told Kidoumaru so, so Kidoumaru figured that the guy was okay, even if he did look like he could eat him without chewing first. "I got it, Professor."

Hagrid swelled at the title. Kidoumaru had never seen a person who liked being addressed as a teacher so much. But then, according to Ron, Hagrid hadn't been teaching long. Maybe he was just still getting used to it. "Good. Well, I'll be at my cabin. See you in an hour."

Picking mushrooms proved to be as advertised. Easy. As far as grave punishments went for almost hitting a teacher, it was kind of a letdown. But it didn't take long for Kidoumaru to become bored out of his mind. His attention span was kind of short that way.

The first hour came and went. Kidoumaru went to Hagrid's cabin to let him know he was still alive, Hagrid said fine, fine, while badly hiding a bottle under the table, and Kidoumaru went back outside to get more mushrooms. He had pretty much exhausted the supply in the area nearest to Hagrid's cabin and was wandering out a little deeper into the forest when he saw the spiders.

They weren't very big. The largest one probably didn't exceed the size of the last knuckle of one of Kidoumaru's thumbs. However, there were a lot of them. In a line. That was odd. Kidoumaru had made a study of spiders (it was only proper), but he didn't recognize any of these. And he'd never seen spiders move in a line before.

((Wonder where they're going.)) Kidoumaru frowned, then shrugged and put down the mushroom bucket. Well, there wasn't any reason not to check. It shouldn't take long, and besides, this was way more interesting then collecting glowy mushrooms. He'd be back long before he was missed.

----

Hagrid frowned muzzily down into his fifth glass of Fire Whiskey. He knew he really shouldn't drink any more of it, but it was a present from Madam Rosemerta down at the Three Broomsticks for his birthday, the good kind of whiskey. And he hadn't had the good kind in years.

But still, it was a little irresponsible, what with him being a teacher now and all… with a sigh, Hagrid placed the half full glass back on the table and stood up, only swaying slightly. Not very drunk at all, then.

How long had he been drinking? Hagrid looked at the clock on his cabin's wall. Hm. Eleven thirty. Not bad. Less than two hours, at any rate. He could still get plenty of sleep before having to teach class tomorrow.

It was then that something niggled at the back of Hagrid's mind. Eleven thirty. Wasn't he supposed to have done something by then? Something to do with mushrooms, or something…

It was then that Hagrid abruptly remembered a face, a young, dark one with a ponytail on top, set above Gryffindor robes. Wasn't the boy supposed to have reported in at eleven o'clock?

Oh no.

Hagrid spent the next half an hour searching. He found the bucket, one-fourth full of glowy mushrooms, sitting upright on the ground at the forest's edge. But the Gryffindor third-year was no where to be found.

Hagrid knew the Forbidden Forest well, but it was huge. There was no way he could find the boy alone, whatever had happened to him. Dumbledore. Dumbledore had to know.

So Hagrid turned around, and started running back to the castle, all the horrible possibilities of what might have happened to the boy running through his head.

----

Dumbledore patted Hagrid gently on the shoulder as the half-giant sobbed into his tea. "It will be alright, Rubeus. The boy has only been missing a few hours. We will find him."

Hagrid sniffled. "B-but Headmaster, all sorts of terrible things might have happened to him! Man-eating worms, werewolves… maybe even the Death Eaters kidnapping him!"

In the corner of the room nearest to the door, Severus Snape snorted. "The full moon isn't for another week, you idiot. And besides that, there is no reason for Lord Voldemort to want to kidnap the boy. He's halfblood, not muggleborn, his guardian is unknown here and hasn't made any stand against the Death Eaters, and the only one of Potter's friends he's at all familiar with is Weasley, and all they do is play chess until three in the morning. He isn't even British. Out of all the Gryffindors in this school, Kidoumaru is the last person who would be targeted. I'm sure he just wandered off like a typical Gryffindor imbecile and got lost."

Standing next to Dumbledore's desk, Minerva McGonagall looked scandalized. "I thought you liked the boy, Severus!"

"He's less obnoxious than his housemates and actually pays some attention in my class," Snape admitted, "But he was put in Gryffindor for a reason. I doubt he rates too high in common sense."

McGonagall looked as if she wanted to refute this, but not being able to think of a decent retort (it was, after all, true), she settled for looking sternly disapproving.

Flitwick giggled, nervously. "Well, at least we can be thankful Umbridge is currently reporting to her superiors at the Ministry, else we'd never live this down."

There were several nods of assent, though no one else was laughing.

Still comforting Hagrid, Dumbledore said unconcernedly, "Well, I suppose we'll just have to organize a search, then. I would say to keep it quiet so as to not alarm the other students, but," and it was here his eyes twinkled, "I daresay if we try to do that, everyone will find out anyway in less than an hour or so. Our young friend's detention ended ten minutes ago, after all, and his fellow Gryffindors are undoubtedly wondering where he is. So," and Dumbledore was now addressing all four of House heads, "Tell your students, but please keep it low key. I would like to avoid any unnecessarily nasty rumors. Then let us meet at Hagrid's cabin. The other teachers and the prefects can keep order at the castle while we search."

McGonagall, Snape, Sprout, and Flitwick all nodded and left. Hagrid, still sniffling, soon followed. As soon as they had all departed, Dumbledore sighed, and the twinkle left his eyes. "I do hope we find the boy soon. The first time in hundreds of years the Japanese magic users have opened their borders to us, and this happens. I wouldn't want to lose that trust and one of our students as well."

"You worry too much," said one of the former headmaster's portraits. "The worst that could happen is the centaurs find him and drag him back to the castle. He is just a child, after all."

"I do hope you're right."

----

The library closed at midnight on school nights, so Jiroubou, Tayuya, Sakon, and Ukon had been forced to move their poker game to the hallway. Sakon was winning by a large margin (the cards seemed to like him more and often helped him cheat by whispering the contents of the other players' hands), with Tayuya trailing behind in second, but the other two had not yet been kicked out of the game when the hallway suddenly became very crowded. The four Sound-nin looked at each other quizzically. Normally their late night card games (started after Kidoumaru found a book on Western gambling games that involved a lot of bluffing, something they all heartily approved of) went largely uninterrupted, as most of the students chose to study in their respective common rooms. Obviously something was up.

One of the students that passed by was Kimimaro, who disapproved of gambling as an unwholesome way to pass the time and refused to participate. It was Sakon who ended up asking/_Hey, Kimimaro. What's going on?_/

Kimimaro looked down at them, sitting in a circle cross-legged on the floor. He looked oddly grim, even for him. /_Kidoumaru's missing._/

Sakon blinked. /_What?_/

But by then Kimimaro was gone, walking briskly down the hallway with his shoulders rigid, a number of Herbology research books in his arms. He stopped briefly to talk to a red-headed Gryffindor girl in his year that all of them vaguely recognized and who the white-haired Kaguya prodigy had been hanging around a lot recently, before disappearing around the corner.

The four Sound-nin looked at each other. Tayuya scowled. /_Missing. How the hell could the freak have gone missing? Wasn't he doing detention tonight?_/

Jiroubou nodded. /_Yeah, he was. Said he wouldn't be back until late. Asked me to save him a chocolate frog._/

Sakon snickered and laid his cards on the ground in front of him. A straight. /_The only way you'll be able to do that is if you have any left by the time we're done. Pay up._/

Grumbling, they all did. The cards cheered. Tayuya glared down at them. "Do that again and I'll burn the lot of you." The cards went dead silent, though the queen of clubs stared at her, scandalized. Jiroubou could have sworn that he heard an, "Oh I never," though he wasn't sure.

The hallway grew more crowded. People started running into them, only stopping briefly to mutter apologies before moving on. The third time this happened to Tayuya, she grabbed the offender's ankle and yanked him off balance so that he tripped and fell, nearly cracking his head on the wall.

The older boy scowled at them as he pushed himself to his hands and knees. "Hey, what's the big idea…" he trailed off as he looked at them. "You're Kidoumaru's friends, aren't you?"

The four Sound-nin looked back at him. It was Ukon who answered. "And you're the guy he plays chess with all the time."

Ron Weasley nodded, his red hair getting in his eyes. "Yeah." Then his expression brightened. "If you've been playing out here all night you haven't been told yet. Kidoumaru's gone missing. He was out doing detention and vanished. Everyone thinks it's the Death Eaters."

Tayuya snorted. "Doubt it. Kidoumaru's halfblood. No reason to make an example of him or anything. He's probably just trying to get out of turning in his Charms paper tomorrow. He didn't spend more than an hour on it and it's probably shitty as all hell."

Sakon laughed. "Personally I think the idiot probably saw something shiny and went looking for it. Did it all the time back in Japan."

Ron stared at them. "You aren't worried? The Forbidden Forest has loads of dangerous creatures and stuff in it. He could be hurt!"

Ukon shrugged. "He'll wander back in by morning babbling about something or other. Hardly worth thinking about, really."

Suddenly, the older boy's astonished look turned into a scowl. "I thought you were his friends. But I guess that's just like Slytherins. Only friends when it's convenient for you."

"It's not like we can do anything," Sakon pointed out.

Ron pushed himself to his feet. "That's not the point! Kidoumaru's missing and you're just… sitting there! Doing nothing! You don't care at all!" It was on that note that he stalked off, his posture positively radiating fury.

For a moment, there was silence. Jiroubou looked confused. /_But I'm a Hufflepuff_./

Tayuya snorted. /_And I'm a Ravenclaw. I don't think tall, clumsy and stupid was really using logic just then_./

Sakon dealt the next hand, and they quickly settled back into their game. Only Jiroubou looked troubled. /_What if…_/

Tayuya rolled her eyes. /_What is it now, fatass?_/

/_What if he comes back covered in slime again? The bathroom drain was clogged for weeks last time_./

Sakon grinned. /_He's a Gryffindor, remember? We don't share a bathroom with him anymore_./

The furrow between Jiroubou's eyes smoothed. /_Oh, right. Never mind, then_./

Tayuya won the next hand. Most of the cards were still cowed by her last threat, but the jack of hearts booed anyway, though he trailed off as Tayuya stared at him. A quiet "Sorry," soon followed.

Tayuya smiled. "Thought you'd say that."

----

The four House heads and the headmaster reconvened at Hagrid's cabin four hours later. Snape's hair and robes were decorated with rotting leaves, Flitwick was covered up to his waist in mud, and McGonagall was missing her glasses and had a shallow cut on her forehead that leaked blood into her eyes that she constantly had to swipe away. Only Dumbledore and Sprout had escaped untouched.

All of the House heads looked tired, but Snape was near apocalyptic with frustration. "I looked bloody everywhere for the boy! All the better known caves, the clearings. Had to run from one of the sentient trees who decided it couldn't stand me being around for more than five minutes."

McGonagall peered at his hair. "So that's what happened to your hair. I couldn't tell. One of the squirrels stole my glasses."

Dumbledore kindly held out his spare pair. "Here."

McGonagall took them graciously and put them on. "It's a good thing our prescriptions are close, Albus."

"I fell into a swamp," Flitwick added helpfully. "Couldn't find the boy, though."

Sprout sighed. "I had no luck, either, and he couldn't have returned in our absence, or else Hagrid would have told us."

There was a depressed silence. Dumbledore smiled gamely. "It's hard to look in the dark. We'll just have to wait until morning."

"He could be dead by then, you realize," Snape intoned grimly.

Dumbledore nodded. "He could be many things, but it won't do to worry about it now. Go get some sleep, everybody. We'll cancel classes tomorrow and meet here again after breakfast." When McGonagall looked to protest this, Dumbledore smiled gently at her. "No one can look on an empty stomach, Minerva."

After a moment's pause, she nodded, resigned. Then as one they turned, and started moving back to the castle.

----

In all honesty, Kidoumaru hadn't expected to be gone from his detention long. Half an hour at the most. He still couldn't tell how long ago he had abandoned his glowy mushrooms bucket to follow the spiders, but it had to have been at least two hours. At one point he actually turned around to go back, only to notice that the spider trail ended three feet behind him, and that not only had he not left any footprints in the undergrowth, he had absolutely no idea where he was. So, having pretty much no other options, as far as he could see, he continued on. He was a little freaked out by how dark it was and some of the sounds he was hearing, but he figured that he could handle pretty much anything, even if at one point he had to force himself to stop fingering his wand with a self-reminder that he fought better without it.

Then the forest got creepier. The trees grew more thickly, and suddenly he couldn't see the sky anymore. And the sounds grew worse. The hair began to prickle on the back of Kidoumaru's neck, and he unconsciously began to finger his wand again. He was starting to feel a little cold, even with his thick robes. It was well into autumn now, and it was chillier in Scotland than it was in Japan this time of year.

Then he sensed something. His ability to notice chakra signatures had been all screwed up ever since he got here since the walls of Hogwarts were imbued with so much magic, but now he was definitely sensing something. Several somethings. Several very big somethings.

Several of the big somethings were now behind him. The only way Kidoumaru could describe the sound they make was skittering. It was a sound he was familiar with, but never on a scale this big, unless it was being made by animals that he controlled. Kidoumaru shivered. He wasn't scared, exactly. He had gotten rid of his arachnophobia when he was ten, so he wasn't scared. But he was beginning to get there.

The skittering sound was in front of him too, and it was slower than his brain usually worked that Kidoumaru realized he was surrounded by hundreds of spiders, some of them bigger than a car. Then one of them moved, and it was far, far bigger than a car. More like a semi-truck.

Kidoumaru nearly jumped out of his skin when the semi-truck spoke. "Who might you be?" Then the semi-truck blinked. His eyes were milky-white instead of the usual black.

It took Kidoumaru two tries to find his voice. "I'm Kidoumaru. I followed the spiders here."

The semi-truck blinked again. "And why would you do that?"

Kidoumaru shrugged helplessly, though he knew by the look of the huge spider's eyes that he couldn't see the gesture. "I like spiders. And I was curious."

"That isn't a very good reason."

Kidoumaru rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I know."

The spider came closer to him. "In fact, it is such an awful reason that normally I would have my children eat you here and now, but something about you…"

By that point the huge spider was so close to him that Kidoumaru could have reached out and touched it. The spider wasn't quite staring at him- it couldn't, after all. Not without sight- but it was still examining him, somehow.

Then it reared back. If the gesture had been performed by a human, Kidoumaru would have called it astonishment. "You are the summoner." It wasn't a question."

Kidoumaru blinked. "Y-yeah." He scowled at himself. He hadn't stuttered since he was eight. So he tried again. "Yeah, I am. But how could you know that?"

The huge spider laughed. "I am very old, summoner. I know many things. And you have the taint of the spider-kin upon you. You couldn't be anything else."

The skittering in the background grew louder. Apparently the other spiders understood the big one's words, even if they didn't speak.

The big spider came close again. "I never thought I'd meet a summoner, especially one of my kind. Wizards here are so divorced from nature that they never take us into account at all. But you… you are very young, and yet you are bound to us by blood." The blind spider's fangs twisted. "I'm not sure if I should be honored to meet you, or ashamed that our summoner is a foolish child who would blindly walk into a nest full of man-eating spiders."

Kidoumaru grinned weakly. "Yeah, well, common sense isn't a prerequisite for an animal blood contract, as it happens."

The spider laughed again. "I suppose it isn't." It peered down at him. "My name is Aragog, summoner. I am the leader of this nest, and have been for almost fifty years. However, I am going to die soon, and most of my children are stupid and weak. It is a depressing thought for me, and has been ever since I went blind and I realized my demise was pending." Its fangs twisted again. "However, your presence here has given me a sudden idea.

"I have one son, Goragon, who might yet succeed me. He is young, like you, but inquisitive. He wants to know things. New things. He isn't satisfied with old knowledge." It tilted its head. "Will you do me a favor, summoner, and take him out to see the world? Not for long. I know you are foreign to this soil, and will soon return to your native land. But while you are here? I know you, at least, will look after him. You are bound to care for us, and know us better than any other human alive, even more so than my friend Hagrid." It came close again. "What say you, summoner?"

Kidoumaru chewed on his lip for a second. It was only for show, as he figured he had to leave some impression of thoughtfulness behind. He had made his decision as soon as Aragog had asked. "I say… hell yeah. That'd be cool. Lord Orochimaru- my, er, guardian I guess- forbid me to summon while I am here, but he never said anything about having a spider as a pet, so… yeah, it'd be okay. I mean, I doubt I'll be going anywhere outside of Hogwarts, but that's better than nothing, right?"

Aragog nodded gravely. "That is indeed better than nothing." Then he turned. "Goragon! Come out!"

Goragon turned out to be kind of dinky. As Kidoumaru stared down at the small spider that scurried to Aragog's side, he wondered if this species of spider had a late growth spurt, or Goragon was just a runt. He could probably hold the guy with his hands cupped together.

Then Goragon spoke. "I am ready to go, father. I want to see the world." Kidoumaru blinked. Wow. Either the whole 'son' thing was just a glitch in translation from spider to English, or Goragon really hadn't hit puberty yet.

Goragon and Aragog conferred a while in spider, something Kidoumaru had thought he understood but apparently didn't when it was English spiders speaking it (who knew there was a difference between Japanese spider and English spider?), and then Goragon came walking up to him, and did the spider equivalent of a bow. "I am honored to meet you, summoner."

Kidoumaru looked down at Goragon. ((God, I could squish him just by stepping on him.)) That was what he thought. What he said was, "Ditto. Um, you probably move slower than I do, so maybe you should travel on my head or something."

Goragon blinked its eyes. All eight of them. "Okay."

Kidoumaru picked up the small spider carefully and put it on his head. It weighed, as far as Kidoumaru could tell, about the same as a pair of shoes. Then Kidoumaru turned back to Aragog. "Um, sir, I don't really know how to get back to the castle-"

"Goragon knows the way. Just follow his directions, summoner."

Kidoumaru nodded and turned away. "Thank you."

So that's what he did. However, Goragon wasn't very good at giving directions, so they got lost several times, but finally sometime after the sun had risen, they arrived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. To their left was Hagrid's cabin. Kidoumaru grinned, unexpectedly relieved at the sight. Then he paled.

From its perch on top of Kidoumaru's head, Goragon looked down at him. "What is wrong, summoner?"

"I've been missing all night while I was supposed to be serving detention. Professor McGonagall is going to _kill _me…"

----

It was at breakfast the next morning, Tayuya, Jiroubou, and the twins sitting together as usual (this time at the Ravenclaw table, with Luna chattering about the importance of cloud formations across from them), that all four of them (and Kimimaro) looked up as one. Tayuya frowned. "Hard to tell through these walls, but…"

Without saying a word, Jiroubou pushed himself to his feet and started walking towards the door. The others moved to follow, and even Kimimaro gracefully placed his fork and knife on his plate and rose to his feet. Halfway there, the teachers noticed.

McGonagall stood. "And where do you think you're going?"

It was over one shoulder that Sakon casually said, "Kidoumaru's back. We're going to go ask him what he's been doing all night."

All the teachers looked at each other. There was a sudden clatter as they all dropped their silverware and hastily stood up. So did half of Gryffindor, as well as a smattering of students from other houses who wanted to know what was going on.

The crowd found the long missing Gryffindor third-year by Hagrid's cabin with his back to the castle, something curiously fuzzy on his head and muttering under his breath. "I got distracted by the shiny rocks… no, that won't work…"

Tayuya got to him first. "Hey, freak. Where've you been? You've been gone all night."

Kidoumaru jumped. "Tayuya! Er, hey! Well, you see-"

It was then that he saw everyone else. He grinned weakly. "Hi, everybody..."

It was in tandem that Snape and McGonagall snarled, "Twenty points from Gryffindor." They stared at each other for a moment before Snape bowed his head, conceding her right to the punishment as Kidoumaru's House head. McGonagall cleared her throat. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for entering the Forbidden Forest when explicitly told never to do so!"

Kidoumaru looked down. "Sorry, but, you see…" his eyes filled with tears, something the other members of the Sound Five watched in amazement. "I- I was looking for the glowy mushrooms, but I couldn't find any more and just looked a little deeper, a-and I got lost and it was dark and-"

It was then that McGonagall's mothering instincts, long dormant but not nonexistent, took over and she enveloped Kidoumaru in her arms, wrapping them around his neck and patting him on the back. The fuzzy thing on his head had mysteriously disappeared. "There, there… nobody blames you…"

Still watching, Sakon badly restrained a snicker. The four of them and Kimimaro were close enough that they blocked everyone else's view when Kidoumaru, from behind McGonagall's back, quite deliberately gave Sakon the finger before going back to pitifully sniffling into McGonagall's robes.

After a moment, he manfully pushed her away, rubbing at his now-red eyes. Tayuya whistled under her breath. Apparently Kidoumaru actually had been paying attention when they had been instructed in how to cry on command when they were nine. "I-I'm okay. I'm better now."

McGonagall looked down at him, her face full of sympathy. Jiroubou found himself doubting that Gryffindor actually would lose twenty points today. "That's alright. Cry as much as you want."

It was then that Ron, who had been standing in the front of the crowd, walked up to Kidoumaru and tousled his ponytail. "Good to have you back. Without you I wouldn't have anyone worth playing to crush at DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" The last few words were shrieked in a complete panic as Ron backed away so hastily that he tripped and fell backwards onto the ground, his eyes wide.

Kidoumaru looked at him blankly. "What's what?" Then he looked to see where Ron was staring. "Oh, that's just Goragon. I found him in the woods and he's really awesome and can I keep him?" That last was directed in McGonagall's direction, who had also just noticed the spider standing by Kidoumaru's feet and was doing a credible impression of Ron, though with less tripping.

In a very credible recovery time, McGonagall took a deep breath and turned to look Kidoumaru in the face. "Kidoumaru, dear, that is a very big spider."

Kidoumaru looked back at her. "I know. But the rules say that every student can have one pet and I don't have one yet."

McGonagall sighed. "The list of pets is normally limited to toads, cats, and owls. Spiders aren't on the list."

Kidoumaru's face fell. "Oh."

"But I won't be any trouble. I promise."

Now everyone looked at the spider. Ron's eyes were still wide. "Did that spider just speak?"

Kidoumaru nodded. "Yeah. He's a _talking _spider. Isn't that cool?"

"Must be one of Aragog's," said Hagrid, who had just exited from his cabin, where he had been bawling all night. Luckily his beard hid most of the red. He ambled over to where Kidoumaru stood and tapped him lightly on the chin, making Kidoumaru stagger. "Been worrying about ya, but you have good taste in pets, lad."

Kidoumaru turned back to McGonagall, eyes pleading. "So can I?"

It was at that point that McGonagall, normally a bastion of firmness, wavered. "Well…"

Chaos erupted. Mostly from Ron's end. "I'm not having a giant _spider_ wandering around where I sleep! He could crawl right over me! And besides, he's creepy and stuff!"

Kidoumaru looked appalled. "You don't like spiders?"

"I _hate _spiders!"

"How can you hate spiders? They're so cool!"

Screaming soon started, making Tayuya roll her eyes. "Well, we know what Kidoumaru's been doing all night. I'm going back in to finish breakfast. This is a waste of my fucking time."

Everyone else soon followed, excluding Ron and McGonagall, though Dumbledore paused briefly to cheerfully announced, "Just so all of you should know, class is back on for the day!"

This was followed by a chorus of groans that echoed even after the doors closed. Outside, the screaming match continued. "Spiders are the most graceful and artistic of all the animals!"

"They're not animals, they're bugs! Creepy, slimy bugs!"

"Spiders aren't slimy! And look, you've hurt Goragon's feelings!"

"Like I care!"

McGonagall interrupted. "In consideration of both your feelings- spiders are arachnids, by the way, not insects, Mr. Weasley- Goragon can stay with Hagrid. Kidoumaru, you can visit him whenever you like and bring him to the castle occasionally, but he cannot enter the Gryffindor common room. And Mr. Weasley, you are not to squish him, is that understood?"

Both Gryffindors murmured assent, though both of them still glared at each other. Now McGonagall turned down towards the spider. Living as a witch had greatly increased her ability to adapt to strange circumstances, and so she didn't sound particularly uncomfortable as she addressed it. "Goragon, Hagrid's cabin is over there. He'll feed you after breakfast.

Then she looked back at the two Gryffindors. "The both of you, go inside and eat. Classes start in twenty minutes and you wouldn't want to attend hungry. Now shoo."

They went, but they didn't go quietly. "Your castling technique sucks, _and_ you like spiders. I can't believe you. You aren't nearly as cool as I thought you were."

Kidoumaru glared at him, but it wasn't the mocking efforts Ron had seen come from the dark-skinned boy before. This one was cold, and hard. Something far too old for someone who was just barely thirteen. Inadvertently, Ron felt something cold run down his spine. "Shove it, Weasley. I don't want to talk to you."

They were silent the rest of the way back to the Great Hall, and Kidoumaru didn't join him at the Gryffindor table as he sometimes did so they could discuss chess. He didn't really look at Ron at all, and ignored him for the rest of the day. Ron didn't know how to feel about that, so he never did get around to apologizing that evening.


	6. Side Story: Thirty Five Years Ago

Author's Note: Alright, so this isn't exactly in the canon of _Strangers in a Strange Land_. Or if I'm going to be completely truthful about it, it isn't really in this canon at all, but it is a Harry Potter/Naruto crossover and this seemed like the best place for it. Considering I sort of doubt Orochimaru will ever show up in this story, this one-shot could be considered something of a prologue, even though it isn't. Anyway, on Twin Sun Leader's request, here is the meeting of Orochimaru and Voldemort (or more specifically, Tom Riddle). Orochimaru is fourteen and not evil yet. Tom Riddle is twenty years older and pure evil, because apparently he's been like that from day one, or something.

It was pure chance that Orochimaru was the one to see the foreigner first, during one of those rare periods of time when a new treaty had just been implemented (with the Sand, who happened to be Konoha's number one enemy of the moment) and neither village had had a chance to break it yet. Combining that with the fact that his team had just gotten back from a mission and had a few days leave meant that for the first time in over a year, Orochimaru actually had some free time. Unfortunately, free time never stayed free when he was in the village, with either Tsunade or Jiraiya dragging him off to do something or Sarutobi-sensei inviting him over for tea only to spend the entire time staring at Orochimaru in that particularly Sarutobi-sensei-esque way of his that made Orochimaru want to… well, sneak off into the forest with a book and not come back until everyone stopped looking for him.

Which was what he was doing now, actually. Or at least, that was what he had been doing until the foreigner had shown up. The day had started out so nicely, too.

Orochimaru had never seen a foreigner before, but the outlandish garb (a robe that looked even more cumbersome to walk in than Orochimaru's most formal kimono) and strangely shaped eyes didn't leave him with any doubt that this person wasn't from Japan.

Still, just because the man was a foreigner didn't mean he wasn't a threat. It just meant that he perhaps didn't know he was entering the territory of a shinobi village that had just weeks ago been involved in a very costly war and was more than a little edgy. And as Orochimaru had just yesterday returned from an assignment where he had killed quite a few people and the bloody feeling hadn't quite gone away yet, for once he was actually in a mood to give someone fair warning.

The foreigner was just passing under the tree where Orochimaru was perched when he alerted the man to his presence. "You do know this is shinobi territory, don't you?"

Orochimaru had to give him credit for his reflexes, at least, if not for his situational awareness. The foreigner had ducked behind a small outcropping of boulders just off the beaten path and had what looked like a stick in hand (but Orochimaru could only presume it to be a weapon of some kind) before Orochimaru even had time to jump down from the tree branch.

As Orochimaru landed on the forest floor and eyed the stick the man was pointing at him, he idly stuck his book into his kunai pouch and wondered if he just should have killed the foreigner right off instead of talking to him first. He didn't particularly like having a weapon aimed to hit him right between the eyes. "Put the stick away."

The man lowered the stick slightly so it was pointed at the ground instead of at Orochimaru's face, but he didn't return it to his sleeve. "This is the territory of a hidden village?" Definitely a foreigner. The accent was atrocious, though the grammar wasn't bad.

Orochimaru nodded and casually gave the man a look over. About Sarutobi-sensei's age was his best guess. Maybe a little older. Green eyes, dark brown hair. Taller than Orochimaru was, but then, that was nothing new. He stood like someone with some military training, resting his weight on the balls of his feet, but nothing like a shinobi. His legs were too close together to dodge easily and his hands were too far apart to make seals.

The foreigner was giving him the same examination, though Orochimaru thought it odd how much attention the man paid to his eyes and the snake tattoo curling around his left forearm. He absently found himself regretting that he had neglected to put on his usual arm guards this morning.

After a moment, the foreigner spoke again. "You are a shinobi of this village?"

Orochimaru nodded again, his danger instincts belatedly kicking in at the look in the man's eyes. Evaluating. Like he was trying to make an estimate of how much Orochimaru was worth. "I am. I suggest you leave. Konohagakure doesn't take well to intruders."

At that, the foreigner smiled. His green eyes glistened oddly. Orochimaru blinked. For a moment, he could have sworn the man's pupils were as slitted as his own. "Ah. So I am in the right place. Thank you very much for the information."

Before he had even finished speaking, the stick in the foreigner's hand had started to glow. Pure reflex was all that allowed Orochimaru to throw himself to the side in time, but even that wasn't enough for him to fully escape the aftershock of explosion of the ground under his feet.

It was half-stunned that Orochimaru collapsed to his knees, one hand scrambling for his kunai pouch as his other, spread-eagled in the dirt, kept him from falling on his face, though the roaring in his ears alerted him to the fact that his equilibrium was completely gone and he wouldn't be able to hit a target if he tried.

In the end, it was the foreigner and not his complete lack of balance that caused Orochimaru's hand to still with one finger through a kunai ring, the tip of the man's stick glowing green less than a foot from Orochimaru's nose.

"I suggest you stop now if you don't want me to kill you, child. Now, move you hand away from your side, if you will."

Orochimaru did, cursing himself as he did so. He _knew _he should have killed the man when he had the chance.

If he didn't feel like he would fall over if he shifted his weight, he might have taken his chances and grabbed at the stick (or at least gone for cover), but Orochimaru still couldn't quite see straight, so he didn't move, though his eyes remained riveted on the green glow.

"What do you want?"

The foreigner chuckled, though the sound came out dry and rasping. "From you? Nothing beyond what you've already given me. Normally I'd kill you know and leave your body for scavengers to eat, but despite your slight naivety you don't seem as foolish as all that, and I hate to waste potential.

"What I want from your village… well." The man laughed again, softly. "You'll find that out soon enough."

It was then that the man's expression turned thoughtful. "Still, even if I don't kill you, I can hardly have you following me. That would cause no end of trouble." Then he smiled. His green (and they _were_ slitted, Orochimaru had no doubt of that now, though it was hard to see in the poor lighting) eyes were cold. "But there's an easy solution for that." The glow abruptly shifted to a paler color. "_Petrificus Totalus_."

It was shortly after the flash that followed that Orochimaru realized he couldn't move. At all. Breathing alone was an effort, and he couldn't even grit his teeth when the man lowered his stick and ran his free hand through Orochimaru's hair. "So young… but I suppose that won't last long."

Orochimaru wasn't able to shift his gaze, so he couldn't watch the man leave, but he was still able to hear the foreigner walking away, his heavy shoes making a distinctive crunch as they fell on the recently fallen leaves. "Until we meet again, boy."

In truth, when Orochimaru struggled to his feet four hours later, he wasn't sure if the foreigner's jutsu had just worn off or he had finally managed to break it, but either way he still found it difficult to move properly, almost stumbling into a tree during his first attempt at walking. The trip back to Konohagakure, which would have normally taken less than fifteen minutes, this time took four times that, and it was already dark by the time he made it to the village's main gates.

He arrived to find the Leaf in an uproar. Despite the late hour, all the lanterns in the village were lit, and he saw at least three ANBU squads flash by him. On top of that, the guards at the gate actually started to pat him down before he pulled out his identification and shoved it at them.

He was escorted to the Hokage's office immediately (which was odd), the words of the guard who took him there only giving him a vague idea of what had happened. Something had been stolen. Something important.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

The stark relief in his teacher's eyes when Orochimaru walked into his office, the gate guard close behind him, was what first alerted Orochimaru that something else was going on. It was far out of proportion to what it should have been. The only time Orochimaru had seen his teacher look at him like that before was a year ago when he, Tsunade, and Jiraiya had come back to Konoha a week late after an A-class mission had gone sour only to be informed that they had been reported MIA.

"Orochimaru… oh thank the gods."

Orochimaru couldn't help but stiffen slightly as his teacher put his hands on Orochimaru's shoulders, the closest the Sandaime Hokage ever got to a hug. Something really was wrong. "Sensei? What is it?"

At Orochimaru's question, the older shinobi's relief passed, and it was as he stepped back, putting some distance between them again, that he returned to being the Hokage. "A scroll detailing one path to immortality was stolen this afternoon from the forbidden section of the main vault. The only person reported having entered the vault in the time period the scroll was stolen was you, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru felt his eyes widen. "But… I was gone all day."

His teacher nodded. "I know. But the seals that detect henge didn't go off, and so when the scroll disappeared and you didn't show yourself immediately, many feared the worst."

The Hokage didn't bother spelling out what 'the worst' was. Stealing a forbidden scroll and running from the village. Going missing-nin with an A-class offense on his record. It was something he would have never recovered from, professionally or otherwise.

Orochimaru felt something within him go hard. The foreigner. It had to have been. Only a foreigner could use techniques that were unusual enough to evade the seals, and the green-eyed man had not only seen him, but spoken to him, so he could imitate Orochimaru's voice patterns with a good enough illusion. He had used Orochimaru's image to get into the vault, and then…

But how could he have…

"Sensei. The… person who disguised himself as me to enter the vault. How did he escape with the scroll?"

His teacher sighed. "We don't know. The Inuzuka tracker we're using for this investigation was able to follow the man's scent up until the shelf where the scroll was being stored, but beyond that the trail stops cold." At that, he smiled crookedly. "In retrospect, we probably should have used an Inuzuka who knew you and would have been able to differentiate your scent from someone who was just imitating you, but I fear we were all somewhat in a rush."

Orochimaru nodded absently in agreement, his mind racing. He should tell his teacher about the foreigner he had encountered this afternoon, but… it wouldn't really help the investigation much, he reasoned. And if it did… and the ANBU found the man before he did… Orochimaru's felt the nails of his left hand bite into his palm. No. That wouldn't happen. It was him that the foreigner had tricked, humiliated. He would get his due.

"Orochimaru? Are you alright?"

Orochimaru forced himself to relax, and moved his eyes to meet his teacher's concerned gaze. "Yes, Sarutobi-sensei. I'm fine." He had to leave. The Sandaime Hokage knew him far too well not to suspect that something was up if they talked any longer, so it was with a conscious effort that Orochimaru let his shoulders slump just a little bit more. "This is… a lot, though. Can I go home? I'm a little tired."

At that, his teacher smiled sympathetically, his expression softening. "Of course. I'm so sorry about all this, Orochimaru. We can finish talking about it tomorrow."

So Orochimaru went home, back to his apartment. Sarutobi-sensei never did get around to talking about the thief again, and as far as Orochimaru knew, Jiraiya and Tsunade never found out. Which was just as well. He didn't them to know. Working together on missions was one thing, but this… this was personal.

The foreigner would pay, if it was the last thing Orochimaru ever did. No one made a fool of him like that and got away with it.

_END_


End file.
